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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Live Your Own Life

"I can't," she pushed him away and turned on her heels, but could not seem to leave.

"Why not?" he asked. Things had been going so well up to this point.

"I just can't, okay?" she turned back and looked at him with a half-smile, her eyes holding back a cascade of tears. "We just can't be. It just wouldn't work."

He stared deep into her watery eyes, "How can you know before we even begin?" His voice slightly cracked as he said it.

"They won't let us," she whispered through sobs.

"Just for tonight, why not live your own life?"

Monday, June 29, 2009

Side Effects May Include Delirium

"Forgive me, Lipitor, for I have sinned against thee. I have partaken in food that I knew would raise my bad cholesterol. The temptation was just too great for me. But, O Great Lipitor, if thou art designed to lower my cholesterol, then why must I still be bound to this restrictive diet? Hast thou not lowered my cholesterol already? Dost thou not care that I suffer daily as I watch everyone around me eat whatever they wish? Should I not be allowed an indulgence here and there? Couldst thou just look the other way, if thou knowst whatst I'm sayingst?"

Sunday, June 28, 2009

One Sentence Story Collection II

I have begun using my Twitter account (found at http://twitter.com/briefconceits) to post one sentence stories, which is actually something I started this blog off with all the way back in April of last year. So I decided to catalogue my one sentence stories that I post on Twitter up here as well. So follow me on Twitter if you want to get these before everyone else! (Tantalizing!)

RXF77-9T had finally felt the emotion that had surprisingly become rather common among the robots of the future; RXF77-9T knew love.

As unspeakable evils spewed forth from the dimensional rift, Dr. Edward Samburg realized this might stymie his chances at a Nobel Prize.

A red cape with an 'S' will turn even the smallest boy into a mighty superhero.

The bag of coffee grounds was empty this morning, heralding the day my coffee addiction would finally kill me and everyone I loved.

A hauntingly beautiful song echoed through the still night air, and the children obediently heeded its call, marching to the cemetery.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Typical Sitcom

"You've got to help me, Jeff! I finally have a date with Rachel, the girl I've been pining over for the last fifteen minutes, but I just remembered that I have to make the winning touchdown at the football game! And I'm supposed to be at both tonight!"

"Woah! Slow down there Speedy Gonzales," Jeff smirks at the camera to canned laughter, "I know how to fix everything."

"You do?"

"Yeah! With the help of NBA All-Star Yao Ming!"

Yao enters to enthusiastic applause and cheers. "I cameo," he says and leaves.

"How was that supposed to help?"

"Do what now?"

Friday, June 26, 2009

Krispy Kremes- Part 3

Continued from "Krispy Kremes" and "Krispy Kremes- Part 2."
~~~

I quickly snagged a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I needed to find out if I was indeed in an alternate universe where opposites were true.

I gave the cashier an uneasy look. She smiled and was friendly; another indication I was not in my universe. I handed her a twenty dollar bill from my own universe. She took it without notice. I made my escape to my car.

I couldn't wait to get home. I tore open the box grabbed a doughnut and ripped into it.

I was still in my own universe where everything was as it should be.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley- Part 2

Continued from "The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley."
~~~

"Come in," Professor Montgomery said as Shamrock and I entered his office, "I have an appointment with a student in thirty minutes, so can we get to the point?"

"Fiend!" Shamrock O'Malley cried, "Indoctrinating the youth! Does your evil know no bounds?"

"Excuse me?"

"Don't play coy with me," O'Malley grabbed Montgomery by the shirt collar, "Tell me where the giant-space-laser controls are!"

"Shamrock," I shouted, "This is preposterous! Even if this man were as evil as you say, how is a 'giant-space-laser' even possible? Maybe it's time to give up these crazy conspiracy theories."

"Et tu, dear Walton? Et tu!?"

To be continued . . .

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Tehran Seen Through Internet Video

The streets are lined
In green and black
A tear falls
No turning back
Teargas and fire
The streets are crying
Gunpowder and blood
The children dying
Or stolen away
In dark of night
Chants grow louder
No end in sight
Somewhere in Tehran
A mother's bitter cry
Her son she's seen
For the last time

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley

It saddens me, dear reader, that I must now recount to you what will be the final case of the late Shamrock O'Malley.

Shamrock was convinced the evil Professor Montgomery (Professor of Home Crafts and Rainy-Day Activities at Victorian England Community College (VECC)) had set in motion a series of minor distractions to obscure his plans to destroy the earth via giant-space-laser. I asked Shamrock what a "laser" was, and he said, "Elementary, my dear Walton," and nothing more.

We arrived at Montgomery's office during his specified office hours (3-5 PM Tuesdays and Thursdays). He was waiting for us.

To be continued . . .

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Monday, June 22, 2009

Krispy Kremes- Part 2

Continued from "Krispy Kremes."
~~~

I had apparently stepped into an alternate universe where opposites were reality. I had come to this realization after having encountered a woman who said Krispy Kremes sucked; a statement being scientifically, objectively, and verifiably false in the universe I knew and loved and longed to return to.

"I'm getting ahead of myself," I said to myself, "I must test my hypothesis." There was the slim chance this woman was merely insane, though unlikely, because even the most mentally unstable of individuals should be able to recognize the excellence that is the Krispy Kreme doughnut. Perhaps all was not entirely lost.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Sandy

This isn't right. I can't put my finger on it, but something feels oddly out of place.

Sandy sat motionless and contemplated what could possibly be wrong. Then it suddenly hit her.

"I don't remember taking a bite from this cookie!" She proclaimed loudly while waving it about in broad gestures. "Did anyone see me take a bite out of it?"

Everyone else at the table stared dumbfounded at Sandy.

"I'm serious!" Sandy continued, "This is really bugging me! Did any of you see me take a bit out of this?"

"I diffn't fee uh fing," crumbs tumbled down Jamie's chin.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Confession

"Okay. Confession time."

A small but sturdy sigh escaped the lips of Sam, but she sighed in such a way that made it quite obvious that she had been expecting this for quite some time. She spun around in her seat and faced Justin. "Then let's have it," she said curtly.

"Me?" Justin stepped back in surprise. "I was talking about you!"

Sam was equally as aghast. "What!? You're supposed to apologize for not making a new pot of coffee after you took the last bit!"

"You mean that wasn't you?"

Both were quiet for a moment.

"Gary!" they both said.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Krispy Kremes

I was walking through the grocery store and passed by the doughnut section. A little girl was spying the Krispy Kremes.

"No," her mother said, "I've had Krispy Kremes and they suck."

I froze mid-step. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? I couldn't possibly have heard what that woman said. That's not even possible.

But then it hit me; a sudden realization of the very real certainty that at some point earlier today I had stepped into an alternate universe where opposites were somehow true. That was the only possible explanation for the mother's behavior. The only explanation!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Why Motorcycles Are Awesome

It was time for the message of the hour, but Pastor Sciutto was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a motorcycle burst into the auditorium, tore down the aisle and screeched to a halt in front of the pulpit. Pastor Sciutto kicked back the kickstand, hopped off the chopper and proceeded as if this was commonplace.

"This morning's sermon will be slightly different from normal," he began, "It's titled: Why Motorcycles Are Awesome. Reason number one—"

"Blasphemy!" came a smattering of cries across the congregation.

"Ahem! Reason number one," Sciutto continued, "They're like bikes, but they also have motors on them."

Monday, June 15, 2009

Unlikely Salvation

With a thunderous clash, an old man appeared, silhouetted by the daylight behind him. Candace was just as surprised as her would-be assailants. The man was terrible and quisquillian in appearance, but somehow also beautiful. His clothes were ratty and disheveled. The lines in his face were chiseled as if by a sculptor. His eyes burned like blue flames. Without a word he walked toward Candace, and the thugs parted like the Red Sea. This improbable Moses held out his hand, and Candace greedily took hold. They both walked out of the alley back into the sunlight. Then the man vanished.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Rise of the Psychiatrist

"How are we supposed to deal with a bipolar monster like the Sulk?" General Oppenheimer asked to the representatives of various US military divisions.

"It ees qvite seemple, yes?" a bald bearded man in a white jacket stepped out of the shadows.

"Who are you? How'd you get in here?"

"You can call me zee Psychiatreest. You do not know how to contain zee beast known az zee Suhlk?" a large amount of phlegm dislodged as he tried to say 'Sulk.'

"You're saying you can take him down?"

"Vhen I am done vith heem, zee Suhlk vill be cured . . . of life!"

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Jimmy

"I really should have thought this through a little bit more," Jimmy said to himself.

Indeed Jimmy should have, for he had decided that the only way to make a truly exceptional sculpture of a lion, the king of beasts, was to get up close and personal with the majestic creature. He booked a ticket to Africa and was on safari within the week. He definitely got up close to the lions, and that is where we find Jimmy now.

"Also maybe I shouldn't have left this slab of meat in my back pocket!"

Why would you do that, Jimmy? Seriously.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Another Modest Proposal

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I come before my colleagues of the United States Senate to humbly ask for your forgiveness. Yesterday I introduced S1367: Annex Canada and Call It 'America, Jr.' Act of 2009 to great hoopla. Some said it was 'crazy' or 'insane' or 'illegal under international law.' I now wish to apologize to my critics. That's right. I wish to apologize. I apologize for being a visionary! I ask to be forgiven for being the only Senator courageous enough to introduce this essential piece of legislation! You all should be ashamed of yourselves!"

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Before It Was Called 'Crater Lake'

"Quit dawdling, you velociraptors! We're on a tight schedule," King Tyrannous was agitated, but couldn't stay agitated for long as he looked upon his glorious visage carved into the mountain face. It was truly a magnificent sight for the eyes, even if he had a little trouble seeing something that wasn't moving.

"This monument to myself shall stand as a testament to my greatness," King Tyrannous spoke to no one in particular, since all the slaves were supposed to be working, "It shall last for as long as dinosaurkind shall rule the earth . . . Huh, what's that big rock-thing in the sky?"

Monday, June 8, 2009

Space-Diplomacy

Vithor Lovenstein kicked off his first official visit to the Hyper-Insect Space Colonies as Galactic Federation President by speaking at Hyper-Insect Space Colony University (HISCU). President Lovenstein came to respond to the Hyper-Insects occasional tendency to invade and overrun a planet here or there.

"I appreciate the opportunity to speak directly to the Hyper-Insect Hive Mind this space-afternoon," Lovenstein began, "There has been much tension between our two great space-nations, and I believe that's mainly due to our misunderstandings. We see you as horrible space-monsters, and you see us as lunch, but that doesn't mean we can't find areas of agreement."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Friday, June 5, 2009

Sigmund

Sigmund swooned at the sight of her. She was just as pretty as the day he first laid eyes upon her. Shapely but firm, she was the very definition of beauty, sophistication, and practicality all rolled into one delightful package.

She was his hyper-ultra-death-ray which he used to enslave the human race, but in the process she had enslaved his heart.

Was it wrong to love a machine? Especially a machine that was 700 tons and bolted securely in a massive dome built upon the pinnacle of a lofty mountaintop? If it was wrong, then Sigmund didn't want to be right!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Stars' Petition

One day the stars brought forth a petition before the Moon.

"Look here," they said, "We have grown quite tired of playing second string to you in the night sky. We are all glorious stars burning bright, while you on the other hand are just a mere satellite. What makes you so special that the Earth would rather see more of you than any one of us?"

The Moon sighed and replied, "While you are the centers of your own worlds, the Earth is the center of mine. So the Earth and I shall dance together till the end of time."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Case of the Case

We both stood over the case, Shamrock O'Malley and I. "What do you make of this, my dear Walton?" Shamrock asked me. "This leather case is neither yours nor mine, but it has found its way into our very home!"

"Well, I imagine one of our recent visitors accidentally left it."

"Pish posh," O'Malley waved off the suggestion as if it were a foul stench. "Clearly it is the work of my arch-nemesis, Professor Montgomery!"

"Notice the embossed name?" I asked. "Mr. James Washburn. He had that strange letter that turned out to be intended for his neighbor."

"Montgomery!" Shamrock screamed.

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Departure

It rained that afternoon in late October: The day you left.

I stood there in the rain, and watched you go. As you left, time slowed to a crawl. I could see every single drop of rain as it fell and broke upon the earth. I remember exactly how many steps it took you to walk to your car: Eleven. Each step took an eternity. Each eternity tore apart my heart until nothing was left.

I tried to speak, but no words came. I just watched you go. I stood there.

I stood there in the rain, and watched you go.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Peter and Kristi

Peter stood at the precipice, leaned forward, and looked down. Twenty meters below ocean waves slammed into the cliff face. "Well," Peter smiled at Kristi, "ladies first."

Kristi looked over the edge and took several steps back. "You can't be serious!"

"There isn't any other way. If we take a good running start, maybe we can jump out far enough to avoid being smashed against the rocks."

"I still don't like it," Kristi muttered.

Raised voices echoed up from the forest behind them.

"We're out of time," Peter said. They took several steps back, held each other's hands, ran—



—and jumped.