No Refunds

"Okay, this is just not working out," says Sally, the older of the Beverly girls.

Timnur the faun panics, "No! You can't leave! You haven't defeated the Evil-Allegory-Witch yet, or the Heathen-Allegory-Heathens!"

"We're sorry, Timnur," Paul, the oldest, says, "but Smarnia just isn't all that much fun. Sure, you might be trying to instill us with religious values, but this place just feels like a pale imitation of secular fantasy worlds."

The Beverly children leave.

Deity-Allegory-Lion stops them, "Sorry. So sorry, children. You can't leave."

"Why not?" asks Edwin.

"You're all dead," Deity-Allegory-Lion says, "Quite a bit of tough luck, chaps."

~~~
More stories from the Chronicles of Smarnia

The Fairy and His Teefs

"Okay," said Timnur, "We have a popular mythical figure that will give you magical presents–no commitment! Even if you don't choose Smarnia as your fantasy escape, they will be yours to keep. Our gifts to you."

The children's eyes lit up imagining a jolly old elf.

However, that wasn't exactly who they got.

"I'm da toof fairy, but I ain't no fairy! Ya get me?" said the fat man in a tutu crusted with a collection of colorful stains. "And I gots presents for ya's, but first give me yer teefs!"

Timnur shook his head.

"Man, dats da best part . . ."

~~~
More stories from The Chronicles of Smarnia

The Last Haggle -sketch-

A sketch of the "The Last Haggle." The four children stand by the give way sign (as close as I could get it to what the sign would look like in WWII era Britain), and Timnur the Faun and Deity-Allegory-Lion discuss how best to keep them in Smarnia.

The Last Haggle

Timnur and Deity-Allegory-Lion had a side discussion as the four children waited by the give way sign in the middle of the forest clearing.

"They say they're really not impressed with Smarnia," Timnur said.

"Well did you try to sweeten the deal?" asked Deity-Allegory-Lion.

"I offered them the opportunity to be dukes and duchesses of Smarnia."

"That sounds pretty good. They didn't like that?"

"They said they got an offer from some other fantasy realm to be kings and queens."

Deity-Allegory-Lion cringed, "That will be hard to match."

"So what do we do?"

"How about magical items? Kids like those, right?"

~~~
Illustration

More stories from The Chronicles of Smarnia

The Chronicles of Smarnia

"We know you have your choice of fantasy realms to escape to from the horrors of war-torn Britain, but I think you will find you cannot beat Smarnia," said the slightly overweight faun, Timnur, to the four children.

"We have your standard talking animals, mythological creatures, etcetera, etcetera." Timnur motioned to two seedy looking dwarfs on a cigarette break.

"We also have a deity-allegory-lion for moral lessons." He turned around motioning to a lion.

"'Sup?" said the deity-allegory-lion.

"What about a dental plan?" asked Linda.

"Oh, it's excellent, as long as you don't mind a woodpecker as dentist."

"We'll keep looking."