Wishful Awarding

"The Space-Nobel Committee, named after Alfred Space-Nobel, inventor of the hyper-death-stick, has named this standard star-orbit-revolution-unit's winner of the Space-Nobel Peace Prize," said news-alien B'jnktl, "and it's Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein. We turn to Snorri Sturluson, chair of the Space-Nobel Committee."

"Thunk yuoo fur hefeeng me-a."

"Mr. Sturluson, by every measure, President Lovenstein has yet to have any meaningful impact on anything."

"Ve-a everded Lufensteeen fur hees ixtreurdeenery iffffurts to strengzeen intergelecteec deeplumecy und cuupereshun betveen peuples."

"Even though there has been no substantive change between his policies and his predecessor, Google-Bronx?"

"Thet's reeght. He-a joost mekes us feel guud."

~~~
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More Breaking News

B'jnktl the news-alien broke into programming, "Joke-candidate Jorgan Skithypot has rocketed ahead in the polls after news of his pick for vice president. We turn now to GNN political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000."

"Skithypot has had a tremendous 30 point jump after naming Babe-mo-Tron™ as his running mate. We polled new Skithypot supporters, and they all said they support Babe-mo-Tron™ because she has 'a great personality,' but when analyzed under a mind-reader-beam they all support her because she is quote: 'a total babe.'"

"Google-Bronx's vice president and Space-Nobel Peace Prize winner Theodore Franton just doesn't seem all that qualified now."

"Very true, B'jnktl."

~~~
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Lovenstein's Running Mate

"We interrupt Monday Night Space-Ape Fights for this breaking news," B'jnktl the news-alien announced, "Galactic presidential contender Vithor Lovenstein has announced Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 as his running mate. We turn now to political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000. It's surprising that Lovenstein chose a non-sentient software program as a vice presidential nominee."

"Not really. Polls showed potential voters saw Lovenstein as less intelligent than his opponents, so the choice of Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 was really a no-brainer."

"Lovenstein's opponents have criticized the pick, though."

"Certainly. President Google-Bronx said Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 may be intelligent, but cannot sympathize with the average voter."

~~~
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The Space-Debates

"We turn now to politics," said B'jnktl the news-alien, "Since the Superior Space-Court ruled the use of compulsory-brain-implant-obedience-chip's illegal in campaigns, President Zoron Google-Bronx has had to wage a more traditional campaign against rivals Vithor Lovenstein and Jorgan Skithypot.

"A more traditional campaign means the presidential space-debates begin tonight. Now merely a formality, the debates are derived from ultra-ancient history when candidates would display their leading prowess in a submission-rules steel-cage wrestling match.

"Vithor Lovenstein had this to say:"

"Google-Bronx, I will break every bone in your body until you cry 'space-uncle!'"

B'jnktl added, "Of course, the traditional locker-room pre-debate banter."

~~~
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President Google-Bronx

"Four more standard star-orbit-revolution-units! Four more standard star-orbit-revolution-units!" cried the masses supporting Galactic Federation president, Zoron Google-Bronx.

President Google-Bronx took the holographic podium transmitting from an undisclosed alternate dimension. "My fellow Federationists, I accept your nomination! With your help, we will continue the change we began four standard star-orbit-revolution-units ago!" Cheers rose like an exploding supernova from the convention floor.

"But just to make sure, I am engaging the compulsory-brain-implant-obedience-chip." The cheers immediately ceased and were replaced by the collective hum of the chips. Google-Bronx's hologram transmission ended, and the delegates silently left the convention in single-file.

Long live President Google-Bronx!