The Obstruction Party: The Party of Ideas

"The Galactic Federation is expecting us to move forward on Universal Health Care, and that is what my administration will do. We have incorporated ideas from all fifty-seven major political parties. This is a quinquageseptpartisan bill, and we will pass it even if we have to go through the Amalgamation Process to push it through."

"That was President Lovenstein earlier today," says B'jnktl the news alien, "We are joined now by Obstruction Party Chairman Betelgeuse Titanium."

"We oppose the President, and he cannot say that he has quinquageseptpartisan support!"

"But the Obstruction Party opposes everything all the time," B'jnktl says.

"Precisely!"

~~~
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Thanksgetting Day

The Galactic Federation President's mansion, known as the White Dwarf House, was filled with boys and girls and yerlaks of all ages waiting for the annual pardoning of the turkey.

President Lovenstein stood austere in front of the young exuberant crowd as the soon-to-be pardonee was marched out in chains.

Kemal Atatürk, giant space-turkey of the Gamma Gobble Gobble Star System, had been convicted with twenty-three counts of murder and was sitting on Space-Death Row.

"On Thanksgetting Day," Lovenstein said, "where we reflect on how thankful we are for all the things we get, we release a mass-murderer for some reason."

~~~
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Accusations in Space

"The Galactic Federation is doomed, people!" said Ben Gleck, opinion show host on FAUX News, "Or it will be, if President Lovenstein gets his way. Why is Lovenstein not answering the people (and by the people, I mean me)? He won't respond to allegations that he's a child-murderer! Is he a child-murderer? I don't know. I do know that he hasn't not said he's not a child-murderer!" Ben began to choke up, "You see these tears? You see how much I care? No ulterior motive here! Just old fashioned patriotism. Show your patriotism by buying my new book (only 29.95 space-dollars)!"

~~~
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Wishful Awarding

"The Space-Nobel Committee, named after Alfred Space-Nobel, inventor of the hyper-death-stick, has named this standard star-orbit-revolution-unit's winner of the Space-Nobel Peace Prize," said news-alien B'jnktl, "and it's Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein. We turn to Snorri Sturluson, chair of the Space-Nobel Committee."

"Thunk yuoo fur hefeeng me-a."

"Mr. Sturluson, by every measure, President Lovenstein has yet to have any meaningful impact on anything."

"Ve-a everded Lufensteeen fur hees ixtreurdeenery iffffurts to strengzeen intergelecteec deeplumecy und cuupereshun betveen peuples."

"Even though there has been no substantive change between his policies and his predecessor, Google-Bronx?"

"Thet's reeght. He-a joost mekes us feel guud."

~~~
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Before a Joint Session of Space-Congress

Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein stood before the joint session of Space-Congress to make his case for Universal Health Care.

"I have provided a simple 1,265,777,879,632 step plan that guarantees health coverage for all Galactic Federation citizens (as well as certain sentient trees and large bushes). This plan will not cover illegal dimensional immigrants—"

"Liar!" yelled Space-Representative Yancy Gothman (Asteroidican-SX). "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!"

"Look," Lovenstein rebutted, "My pants are clearly not on fire. You're the liar."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes-huh!"

"I am rubber, you are super-space-adhesive! Whatever you say bounces off me and permanently adheres to your surface!"

Lovenstein growled.

~~~
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Space Health Care

"Lovenstein's health care plan is a sham!" the voluptuous Babe-mo-Tron™ says to a crowd of spacebillies. "He wants Death Panels to determine life-or-death-or-some-state-inbetween-where-you-wish-for-death-but-it-will-never-come decisions instead of who should be making those decisions: the SHMOs!" The clip ends.

B'jnktl the news-alien continues his story, "Later, President Lovenstein had this to say."

"Nowhere will you find the term 'Death Panel.' We're calling for 'Life Panels' to simply determine if you are worthy of life. It's an important difference."

"And more confrontations erupt in Space Station Hall Meetings around federation," B'jnktl sets up the next clip.

"I was told to yell so I am!"

~~~
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Conspiracy Theories in Space

Bill McIrish glowered, but that was normal, "Questions continue to be raised concerning Vithor Lovenstein's legal status and qualifications to be president. I'm joined by attention-loving-conspiracy-theorist Cletus Barycenter. Explain for the space-folks the problem exactly."

"We simply don't know anything about Lovenstein. Is he a Body-Snatcher from the Nega-Zone? Did he travel here from the future and use his future knowledge of his own election victory to win the election? Without a space-birth certificate, we simply don't know!"

"To be fair, Lovenstein's released numerous documents refuting these accusations."

"What's he hiding? He's going through incredible lengths to counter these ridiculous allegations!"

~~~
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Galactic Arbiter

"—and that's why we need universal health care coverage, because if the universe gets sick, we all suffer, being within the universe," Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein finished his talking points at the Space Press Conference. "Questions? Karl Jibberjabber, GPR?"

"Mr. President, Galactic Federation citizens Über Johnson and Forthright Forthrite are having a dispute over space-hedge clippers allegedly lent with ever being returned. What are you going to do about this dispute?"

"Obviously, Mr. Forthrite is in the wrong. His complaint is silly; also he should consider trimming his nose hairs once in a while. Can anyone say, 'Yuck?' Next question?"

~~~
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Space-Diplomacy

Vithor Lovenstein kicked off his first official visit to the Hyper-Insect Space Colonies as Galactic Federation President by speaking at Hyper-Insect Space Colony University (HISCU). President Lovenstein came to respond to the Hyper-Insects occasional tendency to invade and overrun a planet here or there.

"I appreciate the opportunity to speak directly to the Hyper-Insect Hive Mind this space-afternoon," Lovenstein began, "There has been much tension between our two great space-nations, and I believe that's mainly due to our misunderstandings. We see you as horrible space-monsters, and you see us as lunch, but that doesn't mean we can't find areas of agreement."

~~~
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A New Galactic Federation President

B'jnktl the news alien wiped a tear from one of his seven eyes. "Ladies, gentlemen and gleeborts, we have just witnessed history in the making! The Galactic Federation has broken down yet another barrier of prejudice by electing for the first time someone named Vithor Lovenstein to the office of president! Truly this is a remarkable advancement in the civil rights of people named Vithor Lovenstein."

CoventionalThinkingBot5000, GNN's chief political analyst, broke in as B'jnktl's voice began to falter from the enormity of the moment, "This is comparable to the election of Q*bert Johnson, the first president with a ridiculous-name-even-by-galactic-federation-standards name."

~~~
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Lovenstein's Running Mate

"We interrupt Monday Night Space-Ape Fights for this breaking news," B'jnktl the news-alien announced, "Galactic presidential contender Vithor Lovenstein has announced Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 as his running mate. We turn now to political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000. It's surprising that Lovenstein chose a non-sentient software program as a vice presidential nominee."

"Not really. Polls showed potential voters saw Lovenstein as less intelligent than his opponents, so the choice of Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 was really a no-brainer."

"Lovenstein's opponents have criticized the pick, though."

"Certainly. President Google-Bronx said Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 may be intelligent, but cannot sympathize with the average voter."

~~~
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Feel the Lovenstein

A visage of Space-Senator Vithor Lovenstein and the slogan "Feel the Lovenstein" was hung behind a podium. An enthusiastic crowd cheered as he approached the podium.

"I know that many of you have traveled a long distance to be here. I also know that it's a financial strain as dark matter prices have hit record levels. Some say that things like 'supply' and 'demand' and 'economics' hold the answers. Those are failed policies of the past which depended on 'science' and 'facts.' We need to instead let our emotions and feelings be our guide. Feel the Lovenstein!"

The crowd went wild.

~~~
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The Space-Debates

"We turn now to politics," said B'jnktl the news-alien, "Since the Superior Space-Court ruled the use of compulsory-brain-implant-obedience-chip's illegal in campaigns, President Zoron Google-Bronx has had to wage a more traditional campaign against rivals Vithor Lovenstein and Jorgan Skithypot.

"A more traditional campaign means the presidential space-debates begin tonight. Now merely a formality, the debates are derived from ultra-ancient history when candidates would display their leading prowess in a submission-rules steel-cage wrestling match.

"Vithor Lovenstein had this to say:"

"Google-Bronx, I will break every bone in your body until you cry 'space-uncle!'"

B'jnktl added, "Of course, the traditional locker-room pre-debate banter."

~~~
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