Just in Case You Didn't Get It the First Time

"Let me get this straight, Ms. Reid. You are being hunted by a robot that looks and sounds like an Austrian bodybuilder–"

"–From the future," injected Julie.

"Yes, of course. And this robot–"

"–From the future–"

"–was sent back because your son is the future leader of the human resistance. And your son sent back a soldier–"

"–From the future–"

"–to protect you, and ended up being the father of your son, resulting in a time-looping paradox. Is that correct?"

Julie leaned in uncomfortably close, "From the future!" she whispered loudly.

The Search for the Fountain of Youth

"Amigos, we have almost found the fabled Fountain of Youth. I can feel it," Juan Ponce de León said with as much enthusiasm as he had when they had started their search through Florida.

"You always say that," said Francisco, "What makes you so sure this time?"

"Look at these banana trees. These bananas are much smaller than regular bananas. You could almost say they were . . . baby bananas! We are close, muchachos!"

"These may simply be a smaller variety of banana. I doubt it indicates 'youthfulness,'" said Sanchez.

"And what about this alligator . . . in a diaper?"

"You dressed it that way!"

The Hypocrisy of Peace Protests

Thousands of protesters had gathered. Perhaps with enough people protesting, the leaders of the world would finally acknowledge that war never solved anything.

As they made their way down Main Street, someone began chanting, "Love your fellow man," and the thousands soon followed. None seemed to think that the hundreds of signs comparing Bush to Hitler violated the maxim they shouted. No. He was not worthy of love.

The police began to disperse the crowds. This protest was too important to allow that to happen. The protesters lashed out in righteous anger against the riot police in the name of peace.

Ice Cream Inflation

The first two measures of The Entertainer played on a continual loop attracting kids from far and wide.

"Sorry kids, but with rising gasoline and food prices, we've had to slightly raise our prices," the ice cream truck driver explained, "The Choco-pops literally cost an arm and a leg. Rainbow Rockets cost a single flower: the White Morning Flower, which blooms once every fifteen years and only on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro."

"I only have a nickel," said Andy.

"Well, we do have the Vanilla Cone . . . provided your nickel is a 1913 Liberty Head nickel, valued five million US dollars."

More Breaking News

B'jnktl the news-alien broke into programming, "Joke-candidate Jorgan Skithypot has rocketed ahead in the polls after news of his pick for vice president. We turn now to GNN political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000."

"Skithypot has had a tremendous 30 point jump after naming Babe-mo-Tron™ as his running mate. We polled new Skithypot supporters, and they all said they support Babe-mo-Tron™ because she has 'a great personality,' but when analyzed under a mind-reader-beam they all support her because she is quote: 'a total babe.'"

"Google-Bronx's vice president and Space-Nobel Peace Prize winner Theodore Franton just doesn't seem all that qualified now."

"Very true, B'jnktl."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Lovenstein's Running Mate

"We interrupt Monday Night Space-Ape Fights for this breaking news," B'jnktl the news-alien announced, "Galactic presidential contender Vithor Lovenstein has announced Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 as his running mate. We turn now to political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000. It's surprising that Lovenstein chose a non-sentient software program as a vice presidential nominee."

"Not really. Polls showed potential voters saw Lovenstein as less intelligent than his opponents, so the choice of Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 was really a no-brainer."

"Lovenstein's opponents have criticized the pick, though."

"Certainly. President Google-Bronx said Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 may be intelligent, but cannot sympathize with the average voter."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Why He Switched to Monsters

"Eureka!"

Igor quickly hobbled down the stairs, "What is it, my Master?"

"Igor, I know I say this all the time, but believe when I say that this time I have finally stumbled upon the invention that will change human development as fundamentally as fire, or the wheel, or the all-you-can-eat buffet! Behold!" Dr. Frankenstein dramatically whipped a sheet off his latest creation. Glorious silence filled the room as the mad scientist allowed Igor proper time to soak it all in. "Impressive, eh?" he finally said.

"What is it?"

"I call it the solar-powered flashlight!"

Igor sighed.

Unoriginal Title

Bill pursed his lips in sheer anticipation as Ursula the critic peered over his manuscript. Bill was sure he could improve his writing with her advice. After several minutes Ursula put down the manuscript with a jaded sigh.

"Is it bad?" Bill winced as he asked.

"It's okay, I suppose," Ursula sighed again, "just not very original."

"Which part?"

"All of it! There's a hero, a villain, a love interest, secondary characters. It's all been done before."

"But those are just basic elements of a novel."

"Overused is more like it. Also, why did you write this in English? So predictable!"

Death's Honeymoon Is Apparently Over

A phone rings.

"You know it's 3 a.m., right? What? I'll be right in."

"What was that, honey?"

"Some kid playing in traffic or something. Don't wait up for me."

"All you ever do is work nowadays. We never spend time together anymore."

"Look, Pesty. I'm Death. You knew that when you married me. It's not my fault these Americans can't teach their children not to kill themselves!"

"I don't think you try hard enough. I'm home all the time."

"You're Pestilence! Locusts work on what? A seven year cycle? I have a fulltime job!"

"I knew I should've married War!"

I Really Don't Know What to Tell You

"Tonight is the night!" Joe said to his reflection in the mirror, "I finally have a date with Rachel, and you better not mess it up!" Joe practically growled as he pointed an accusatory finger at his reflection.

His reflection stared back at him with cold empty eyes.

Joe continued to argue with his reflection, "You're always messing these things up for me."

Joe's reflection gave back a quizzical look.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about! Remember my date with Jill? I go to the bathroom and you are there. You threw off my groove!"

Joe's reflection shrugged.