"This just in: The FDA has just officially classified water as a carcinogen. We now go live to our correspondent, Jill Offenberger."
"Thanks, John. In a written report just released, the FDA cited a 100% correlation between those who had developed cancer, and those that consume water and/or water by-products."
"This will be startling news to many of our viewers."
"Indeed. The report goes on to cite that given a long enough period of time, all consumers of water will eventually die, whether you develop cancer or not."
"Thanks, Jill. It's good to know our government is looking out for us."
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