Glimmering Hope

Continued from "Super Sick" and "Is This the End for Lead Man?!"
~~~

Antony Chumbo grimaced as light from a newly opened shade poured into his eyes unannounced by a stranger.

"It's two in the afternoon," the stranger said, "Little late for a hangover."

"It's not what you think," Antony groaned.

"Oh, it is what I think," the stranger kicked the metal boot clamped to Chumbo's left leg. "Funny thing, the lead suit that keeps you alive is also slowly killing you. Who'd have thought?"

"How did you—?"

"It's my job to know. You should get that foot looked at."

"I have," Chumbo sighed, "Nothing works. I tried everything."

The stranger grinned. "Not everything."

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Crisis of Infinite Nerds

"Greetings!" a nebulous voice greets the bewildered superheroes. "I am Drenrepus of Θ-verse. My true form is inconceivable to your minds. I have taken a form you can comprehend!"

"I can't see you," Batboy says. Others murmur in agreement.

"What? Seriously? But you can hear me, right? How about now?"

"Now you're an adorable kitten," Lead Man says.

Drenrepus shrugs. "We highly evolved Θians have long been entertained by your heroic antics, but disputes have arisen as to who would win in a fight. So you will battle," Drenrepus narrows his eyes, "to the death!"

"SULK HORRIFIED BY CUTE KITTY CAT!"

To be continued!

~~~
More adventures of the St. Louis Superheroes!

The Origin and Death of Asbestos-Boy

It was a grim time for the asbestos industry. Defending multiple civil cases, and fighting a growing public outcry against the use of asbestos, it was agreed that was the industry needed was a fresh face. If only the general public was made more aware of the good properties of asbestos, fortunes would turn again in their favor.

Thus Asbestos-Boy was conceived. Super strength and flexibility, resilience to extreme heat and imperviousness to chemical and electrical attacks were only a few of the asbestos-based powers of Asbestos-Boy.

Sadly, Asbestos-Boy was not impervious to cancer, asbestos's one weakness. That and respiratory disease.

~~~
More adventures of the St. Louis Superheroes!

Is This the End for Lead Man?!

Continued from "Super Sick."
~~~

"Give it to me straight, Doc," Antony Chumbo had been suffering from chronic headaches and stomach pains.

"It's lead poisoning," Doctor Salsa, medical practitioner to the superheroes, said.

"How can that be?!"

"Are you kidding me? You're Lead Man! You run around in a lead suit and you're surprised it's lead poisoning?"

Antony looked straight at Doctor Salsa, "Does this mean I'll have to stop being Lead Man?"

"If you don't you're going to end up like one of those other ill-fated superheroes: the Toxic Revenger, the Mercury Surfer, Asbestos-Boy . . ." Doctor Salsa trailed off, "Poor Asbestos-Boy. He never had a chance . . ."

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Super Sick

"Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh! Le French Stereotype strikes again!" Le French Stereotype announced after transmogrifying the entirety of St. Louis's food supply into frog legs and es cargo. "And there's no one who can stop moi!"

"Not so fast!" came a voice that echoed as if inside an empty soup can, and then a heavy metal fist collided with the side of Le French Stereotype's face.

Le French Stereotype was unfazed, "You are too late Lead Man! I have already—"

"Time out!"

"Time out? There is non time outs!"

"Time out! I don't feel so good." Lead Man's toppled over with a tremendous CLANG!

To be continued . . .

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Still a Monster

Continued from "The Candyman" and "Cheering Up a Sulking Sulk."
~~~

Ever since his overdose on nuclear-infused anti-depressants, Doctor Bobby Bippus became the crazed bipolar monster known as the Incredible Sulk. With every change of mood came a change of color and devastating powers.

The Sulk turned a new hue never before seen: Yellow.

"FOR FIRST TIME SULK FEEL HAPPY!"

"Success!" cried General Oppenheimer. "Good work, Candyman."

"I can wrap rainbows in a sigh," said the Candyman.

Oppenheimer sighed, "I know! I know!"

"SULK SO HAPPY!" and with a flick of his wrist, the Sulk flipped over a city bus. "SO HAPPY!"

Oppenheimer slapped the Candyman upside the head, "This isn't better!"

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

Cheering Up a Sulking Sulk

Continued from "The Candyman."
~~~

The Incredible Sulk smashed two cars together and then let out a heavyhearted sigh, "SULK FEEL LIKE SULK SMASH THINGS JUST BECAUSE THINGS THERE AND SMASHABLE." He was beginning to turn a hue of blue to reflect his changing mood.

"I know what can cheer you up," said a man who seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"WHAT DOES CREEPY MUSTACHE MAN HAVE THAT CHEER SULK UP?"

"I take tomorrow, dip it in a dream, separate the sorrow, and collect up all the cream!"

The Sulk stood silent for a moment, "WHAT?"

"I'm the Candyman," the Candyman grumbled.

"CANDY?! SULK LOVE CANDY!"

To be continued . . .

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

The Candyman

"We've tried taking out the Sulk with bombs and bullets, then we tried psychiatry, but that didn't work," General Oppenheimer explained to the gathering of military officials, "so now we've decided to kill the beast . . . with kindness! Say hello to the Candyman."

A good-natured man with a perpetual smile and creepy mustache approached, "Good evening, officers. Anyone care for a lollipop?"

Three hands rose.

General Oppenheimer continued, "He can take a sunrise, sprinkle it in dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two."

"Who can?"

"The Candyman can. He mixes it with love and makes the world taste good."

To be continued . . .

~~~

More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

The Superhero Registration Bureau

"Name?"

"Tamia Sciurus."

"I meant your superhero name."

"Oh, sorry. It's my first time to the Superhero Registration Bureau."

"Obviously."

"I'm the Flying Squirrel."

"So, you glide around with cloth between your arms and legs like those cute little flying squirrels?"

"No. I tried that, but there aren't a lot of updrafts in St. Louis to justify a gliding system. I use a jet pack now."

"So, let me get this straight: You dress up like a squirrel and use a jet pack to fly?"

"Is that too strange?"

"You kidding? That's the closest to normal that we've gotten all year!"

Too Many Superheroes Spoil the Save

"Help!" cried a woman tied to an overhanging pole several stories above the streets of St. Louis.

"Fear not, citizen!" came a cry from the rooftop. "Batboy is here to rescue you."

Suddenly, Lead Man flew up to the victim. "Do you acquire my assistance?"

"Lead Man?" Batboy yelled down, "Don't you dare! This is my win!"

"SULK SAVE WOMAN!" yelled Sulk from the streets below.

"I have jet boots," said Lead Man, "I can just help her right now."

"Don't you dare," Batboy yelled, "I'll save her . . . as soon as I figure out how to get down there."

"SULK HELP!"

~~~
More adventures of the St. Louis Superheroes!

Immune to Therapy

Continued from "Rise of the Psychiatrist."
~~~

The Incredible Sulk was rampaging through downtown St. Louis.

"SULK NOT BELIEVE BLUES HOCKEY TEAM NOT MAKE IT TO STANLEY CUP FINALS AGAIN!" he said as he demolished a 1999 Chevy Camaro.

The Psychiatrist stepped out into the street and yelled, "Zee Suhlk! You lash out beecauze you velt neeglecteed az a child!"

The Sulk immediately turned gray, "FUNNY-ACCENT MAN RIGHT!"

"Eggzelleent!" the Psychiatrist cackled, "I haff tamed zee beest!"

The Sulk's complexion slowly turned red, "WEIRD-SOUNDING MAN MAKE SULK FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE! SULK SMASH BEARDY-MAN INSTEAD OF DEAL WITH SULK'S UNDERLYING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS!"

"Uh-oh," the Psychiatrist said shortly before being pummeled.

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

Rise of the Psychiatrist

"How are we supposed to deal with a bipolar monster like the Sulk?" General Oppenheimer asked to the representatives of various US military divisions.

"It ees qvite seemple, yes?" a bald bearded man in a white jacket stepped out of the shadows.

"Who are you? How'd you get in here?"

"You can call me zee Psychiatreest. You do not know how to contain zee beast known az zee Suhlk?" a large amount of phlegm dislodged as he tried to say 'Sulk.'

"You're saying you can take him down?"

"Vhen I am done vith heem, zee Suhlk vill be cured . . . of life!"

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

Past His Prime

"Greetings, Lead Man," the voice of Count Von Mürder crackled over the 1960's-era intercom system, "I congratulate you for finding my Mürder Cave–" the intercom hissed over the monologue.

Lead Man took the opportunity to examine his surroundings. Count Von Mürder apparently did not have a lot of success after the 70's. His lair was more a museum of antique supervillainy.

The intercom squealed and returned to audibility, "–never calls. My son legally changed his name to 'Von Maur;' told me 'Mürder' wasn't even actual German–"

Lead Man sighed. He was going to be here for a while.

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Showdown in the Abandoned Cereal Factory

"You're too late, Batboy!" Admiral Breakfast twirled his handlebar mustache betwixt his thumb and forefinger. "The delivery trucks have already spread out across the city. And in each box of cereal I put in two scoops . . . of nitroglycerin!"

Batboy found himself tied-up on a slow-moving conveyor belt moving toward a grinding machine.

Admiral Breakfast laughed, "And now you will become a part of a balanced breakfast!"

"I don't eat breakfast!" Batboy flexed his potbelly and broke free from his bindings.

"But breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" Admiral Breakfast charged with an enormous spoon.

Spoon and bat clashed.

~~~
More adventures of Batboy!
The commercial that brought forth Admiral Breakfast

The Dark Page

Continued from yesterday's story "A Fateful Suggestion."
~~~

"In a city where evil has a pretty late bedtime," Fred Allen wheezed in his best chain-smoker movie announcer voice, "there is only one man who can put it to sleep!"

From the streets below a strange figure can be seen jumping from rooftop to rooftop, a black cape fluttering behind.

"I am the bat that comes swinging in the night, or perhaps it comes fluttering! You can't really know with homonyms unless you have some contextual clues. Hey, that's pretty good! I am the unknown homonym! Am I the bat, or am I the bat? Both! I am the Batboy!"

~~~
A sketch of Batboy!

A Fateful Suggestion

Dwayne Jackson arrived at the St. Louis Canaries training field having recently signed with the minor league baseball team. However, something seemed amiss.

"Who's that?" Dwayne asked one of the veteran players.

"That's our batboy."

"The overweight middle-aged guy?"

"Fred Allen owns the team–extremely wealthy–but he has a few eccentricities. Obsessive compulsive."

Fred Allen interrupted, "Hello, my good chums! Did you know that 'bat' can refer to this bludgeoning instrument or a flying mammal? Homonyms I hear they're called!"

"You should do something with that," Dwayne offered.

"Maybe I will," Fred said stroking his cleft chin, "Maybe I will."

~~~
This is part one of two of the Batboy saga. Stay tuned tomorrow! Same bat-time! Same bat-blog!

The Sulk's River of Tears -sketch-

One of Sad Sulk's super-moves: River of Tears. As seen in "Lead Man vs. The Incredible Sulk."

Lead Man vs. The Incredible Sulk

"Stop right there! You've devastated downtown with your whining!" declared Lead Man to the lumbering mass of blue-colored muscle.

"BUT SULK SAD!" The Incredible Sulk cried rivers of tears and pounded on a nearby building.

Lumbering toward the Sulk, Lead Man drew back his arm for a punch. However, he found himself caught in the river of tears causing his armor to rust. Lead Man creaked to a halt.

"FUNNY!" laughed the Sulk as he turned yellow to mirror his feelings.

"Look what you did to my suit you bi-polar brute!"

The Sulk frowned and turned red. "SMASH MEAN MAN!"

"Uh-oh."

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Enter Le French Stereotype

"Stop right there, Le French Stereotype," Lead Man's voice reverberated inside his helmet.

"Sacrebleu!" said a man in a beret and a striped shirt, "You will never stop me, Lead Man! It is too late! Oh-hoh-hoh!"

The two men stood poised on the roof of the Oldies 95 station.

"I have already coupled my 'French-ifying' Ray with le radio tower! Soon all the citizens of St. Louis shall become French wussies! Oh-hoh-hoh!"

"Not on my watch!" Lead Man let fly a fist, but was blocked by a stale piece of French bread.

"You see, I am just full of surprises, non?"

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Sketch of Le French Stereotype

The Impregnable Lead Man

Evil doers beware, for a new superhero protects the fair city of St. Louis.

Ordinary citizen and car mechanic, Antony Chumbo, was kidnapped by the mob and ordered to make them a really super-cool getaway car. While being held in a damp underground parking lot, Chumbo developed a severe case of a rare form of athlete's foot.

Using his skills as a car mechanic, Chumbo crafted for himself a suit of armor from miscellaneous car parts and power tools to stop the spread of the fungal outbreak, and teach those mobsters a lesson.

You can't stop the impregnable Lead Man!

~~~
And a special bonus sketch of Lead Man!