No Refunds

"Okay, this is just not working out," says Sally, the older of the Beverly girls.

Timnur the faun panics, "No! You can't leave! You haven't defeated the Evil-Allegory-Witch yet, or the Heathen-Allegory-Heathens!"

"We're sorry, Timnur," Paul, the oldest, says, "but Smarnia just isn't all that much fun. Sure, you might be trying to instill us with religious values, but this place just feels like a pale imitation of secular fantasy worlds."

The Beverly children leave.

Deity-Allegory-Lion stops them, "Sorry. So sorry, children. You can't leave."

"Why not?" asks Edwin.

"You're all dead," Deity-Allegory-Lion says, "Quite a bit of tough luck, chaps."

~~~
More stories from the Chronicles of Smarnia

Jimmy

"I really should have thought this through a little bit more," Jimmy said to himself.

Indeed Jimmy should have, for he had decided that the only way to make a truly exceptional sculpture of a lion, the king of beasts, was to get up close and personal with the majestic creature. He booked a ticket to Africa and was on safari within the week. He definitely got up close to the lions, and that is where we find Jimmy now.

"Also maybe I shouldn't have left this slab of meat in my back pocket!"

Why would you do that, Jimmy? Seriously.

Proverbs 22:13

Herbert Waxelman lazed on his couch all day. Day after day he grew fatter and paler.

One day his wife could not stand it any longer, "Go outside and get some exercise and sun!"

"It's dangerous outside," Herbert said, "and I might get killed! There's this news report: A lion escaped from the zoo!"

"Well, at least open a window and get some fresh air."

Herbert's nacho-cheese laced scent wafted out the open window, attracting the lion.

Later, Herbert's wife came in, "Uck! Take a bath! You smell like an animal. You also need a shave."

Herbert growled in dissatisfaction.

The Last Haggle -sketch-

A sketch of the "The Last Haggle." The four children stand by the give way sign (as close as I could get it to what the sign would look like in WWII era Britain), and Timnur the Faun and Deity-Allegory-Lion discuss how best to keep them in Smarnia.

The Last Haggle

Timnur and Deity-Allegory-Lion had a side discussion as the four children waited by the give way sign in the middle of the forest clearing.

"They say they're really not impressed with Smarnia," Timnur said.

"Well did you try to sweeten the deal?" asked Deity-Allegory-Lion.

"I offered them the opportunity to be dukes and duchesses of Smarnia."

"That sounds pretty good. They didn't like that?"

"They said they got an offer from some other fantasy realm to be kings and queens."

Deity-Allegory-Lion cringed, "That will be hard to match."

"So what do we do?"

"How about magical items? Kids like those, right?"

~~~
Illustration

More stories from The Chronicles of Smarnia

The Chronicles of Smarnia

"We know you have your choice of fantasy realms to escape to from the horrors of war-torn Britain, but I think you will find you cannot beat Smarnia," said the slightly overweight faun, Timnur, to the four children.

"We have your standard talking animals, mythological creatures, etcetera, etcetera." Timnur motioned to two seedy looking dwarfs on a cigarette break.

"We also have a deity-allegory-lion for moral lessons." He turned around motioning to a lion.

"'Sup?" said the deity-allegory-lion.

"What about a dental plan?" asked Linda.

"Oh, it's excellent, as long as you don't mind a woodpecker as dentist."

"We'll keep looking."

Jack the Lion Tamer

Jack the lion tamer had become bored with his job. "There's just not enough excitement in lion taming," he would say.

This would generally come as a shock to the listener. "How can lion taming lack excitement with nothing but a whip and a chair to separate you from certain death?"

"Yes, well," Jack would say, "it has somehow lost its pizzazz."

Jack's show had also lost its pizzazz, and the 2:30 crowd became disgruntled and bum-rushed the stage, provoking the lions to attack.

Jack could not remember the last time he was so excited. Then he was mauled to death.