Awesome Beard

"I haven't seen Wilson lately," said Feldman, "Where'd he get off to?"

"Oh? You didn't hear?" Lloyd's raised eyebrows dug significant ridges into his forehead. "Wilson's beard was declared a National Treasure."

"What?" Feldman nearly dropped his coffee.

"There was a resolution passed by Congress, and a ceremony at the White House and everything."

"How does a beard get declared a National Treasure?"

"Dude. You saw Wilson's beard, right? It was pretty sweet, right?"

"I guess," Feldman said reluctantly.

"So sweet the country couldn't afford to lose it," Lloyd said, "He'll be back on Monday as a loan from the Smithsonian."

A Cautionary Tale

"Hey, Eric," the responsible voice in your head says, "You have the whole day ahead of you. Why not write a story first thing, so it's out of the way."

"Nah," you say, "I still got time."

A little later the voice says, "It's your lunch break, but you could squeeze in a story. They're only 101 words long."

"I'd rather eat," you say, "and watch clips of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on Hulu."

Several days later the voice says, "Are you ever going to actually post a story?"

"You can't rush genius, voice-in-my-head!" you say refreshing Twitter yet again.

Group Therapy

"We've added some new faces to our group therapy circle, so why don't we introduce ourselves to get better acquainted?" said Dr. Keller.

"I'm Lyle, and I have an irrational fear that my fears are completely and verifiably well-founded."

"Hi. I'm Janine, and I have an unhealthy obsession with eighties rock which I also think is fresh and relevant for today."

"Yo! My name's Matthew, but my friends call me Matty G!" Dr. Keller shook his head at Matthew. "N-nobody actually calls me Matty G."

"I'm in the wrong place," the man with a real problem said, "You all need help!"

Career Preparation

"I got onto the bus as I always do, but today was different. Today, everyone gawked at me as I walked down the sticky aisle toward the back," Billy said, "I sat down next to my best friend, Robert." Billy sat down next to his best friend, Robert.

"What are you doing, Billy?" Robert asked.

"Robert asked. 'I've decided that if I want to live my dream, then I've got to start now,' I said," Billy said.

"What dream?" Robert asked.

"Robert asked, clearly too dense to understand," Billy said.

"Hey!"

"'My dream of being a narrator,' I said," Billy said.

An Ode to Coffee

O coffee, sweetest of bitter brews!
It is for you I crave in the early hours.
From the depths of sleep you save me.
"Awake!" you cry in the morning.
"O slumbering man, awake!
Awake from your dreams and begin to dream
Of a bright future that starts with a single cup.
Forget you now drink the whole pot.
Avoid the discussion of caffeine addiction.
Ignore the fact you've personified coffee in a poem."
O coffee, my dear and only friend!
I cannot live without you.
I don't have a problem, do I, coffee?
You'd never lie to me, coffee, right?

Change

"Look. I'm not trying to change you. I'm just saying everything you're doing now has got to change."

"I'm not sure I understand the difference," Randy rubbed his throbbing head.

"I'm not interested in making you someone you aren't," Mr. Miller explained, "That wouldn't be good for you. I want you to be the best you you can possibly be."

"Okay?"

"And to be the best you you'll need to change everything."

"See, this is where you lose me," Randy said, "It really does seem like you're wanting to change me."

"No, no, no," said Mr. Miller, "Just everything about you."

Refind Your Happiness

"How are you doing today?" she asked after taking my order

"I'm fine," I said, "How are you?"

"I'm okay, or I will be okay," the Starbucks barista sighed, "Want to try a sample?" She handed me a chocolate chip cookie piece.

"Sure."

"It's good, isn't it? Just like homemade. They make me happy—made me happy," her eyes looked off to nowhere.

"They don't make you happy anymore?" I asked.

"I haven't had one in a long time," she sighed again, "Venti Americano with cream."

I take my order, "Why don't you refind your happiness in a chocolate chip cookie?"

Crisis of Infinite Nerds

"Greetings!" a nebulous voice greets the bewildered superheroes. "I am Drenrepus of Θ-verse. My true form is inconceivable to your minds. I have taken a form you can comprehend!"

"I can't see you," Batboy says. Others murmur in agreement.

"What? Seriously? But you can hear me, right? How about now?"

"Now you're an adorable kitten," Lead Man says.

Drenrepus shrugs. "We highly evolved Θians have long been entertained by your heroic antics, but disputes have arisen as to who would win in a fight. So you will battle," Drenrepus narrows his eyes, "to the death!"

"SULK HORRIFIED BY CUTE KITTY CAT!"

To be continued!

~~~
More adventures of the St. Louis Superheroes!

The Pants Paradox

Tonight was the night. Marcus was finally going out with Rachel. He put on his favorite pants for the occasion.

"Stop!" Future-Marcus and the professor rushed in. "I can't explain now, but if you wear those pants our life will be ruined. I had the professor build a time machine just to warn you—me!"

"Okay, then I'll change my paaaaaaaaaaaa—" Marcus faded from existence.

"What happened?" Future-Marcus asked.

The professor stroked his chin, "Apparently those horrendous pants were essential to the time-space continuum and without them Marcus voided himself from existence."

"Then why am I still here?"

The professor shrugged.

There's a Nap for That

Rip van Winkle shot awake. "Why do I have a beard?" he said scratching it. Then it dawned on him, "I must have been asleep for years. I'm in the future!"

Rip raced to the local coffee shop his friends used to hang out at. Justin was sitting in the corner. "Hey, Rip," he called, "Long time no see."

"Yeah, I know."

"Check it out," Justin said smugly, "an iPad."

Rip eyed it over warily. "This isn't right. Why is it bigger than an iPhone, but has less functionality?" Then it dawned on Rip again, "Unless . . . I slept backwards through time!"

Ironically, It's How He Injured Himself in the First Place

"I'm sorry but Luke's brain dead," the doctor says, "Nothing we can do."

"No!" Cammie screams. "He's in there!" Cammie sings a whispered trembling tune. "We can dance if we want to / We can leave your friends behind / 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance—" Cammie trails off in tears.

"Well they're no friends of mine," Luke sings dryly.

Cammie continues, "I say, we can go where we want to."

"A place where they will never find."

"And we can act like we come from out of this world."

"Leave the real one far behind," they sing together.

Hillbilly Politics

"'Ey, Cletus?"

"Yeah, Jim Bob?"

"Ya ever think tha fed'r'l guvament has too much power?"

"Sometimes."

"I hear Jethro talkin' 'bout how we's shouldn' have tack-shay-shun without rep-re-say-shun."

"But we have rep-re-say-shun, Jim Bob."

"Naugh after I refused ta respond ta tha sin-suhs."

"Now why ya do that, Jim Bob?"

"It hain't what tha foundin' fathers intended, I hear Jethro say."

"So Jethro says tha foundin' fathers hain't intended the sin-suhs to ah-pro-pree-payt rep-re-say-shun in ta Congriss?"

"Accordin' ta Jethro, Cletus."

"Then why they write it in tha Con-stitch-tu-shun, Jim Bob?"

"Huh. Ha'n't thought o' that, Cletus."

"Surely naugh, Jim Bob."

~~~
More discussions between Jim Bob an' Cletus

Constructed Reality

"Morning, honey," Leslie says as I enter the kitchen, "I already made coffee."

"Thanks," I say pouring myself a cup, "Why are you always so good to me?"

"Maybe because I am a construct of your mind," Leslie vanishes at the realization of her self-negating statement.

I stare into the space she was occupying only a few moments ago and sigh. This has been happening to me a little too often lately. I lift my mug to my mouth and realize something is missing. "Come on! The coffee was a construct, too?" I say to no one. "That's crossing the line!"

Why?

"Why?" was all she said.

Her voice cut deep and lodged itself into his gut. Inside it just echoed until all he could hear was her voice. It vibrated in his head, in his soul.

"That's what I wanted to ask you," he finally said, "I'd imagine you standing there. I'd ask you 'why,' and imagine a hundred different answers each less satisfying than the last."

She kept her stern face and stance, but her eyes betrayed her, but only for a second. "You have no right," she said, eyes tearful, "No right to ask me anything."

"I have every right."

No Refunds

"Okay, this is just not working out," says Sally, the older of the Beverly girls.

Timnur the faun panics, "No! You can't leave! You haven't defeated the Evil-Allegory-Witch yet, or the Heathen-Allegory-Heathens!"

"We're sorry, Timnur," Paul, the oldest, says, "but Smarnia just isn't all that much fun. Sure, you might be trying to instill us with religious values, but this place just feels like a pale imitation of secular fantasy worlds."

The Beverly children leave.

Deity-Allegory-Lion stops them, "Sorry. So sorry, children. You can't leave."

"Why not?" asks Edwin.

"You're all dead," Deity-Allegory-Lion says, "Quite a bit of tough luck, chaps."

~~~
More stories from the Chronicles of Smarnia

Empire Building

When all was said and done everything remained the same. Jennifer wept for herself and the forsaken opportunity to turn things around. She wondered if things would ever change now. The tide had begun to shift the opposite direction.

Trenton laughed at his good fortune. "What's the matter, Jenny? Sore loser?"

Immediately Jennifer felt renewed vigor course through her body. Nothing is quite like anger as a motivator. "Someday you'll see you made a mistake," she said, "When you realize it, I pray to God it's not too late."

"Leave me be," Trenton scoffed. He had a new empire to run.

Temporary Escape

VA-DUUUMM!

Dust and smoke filled the room, began filling Mouse's lungs. She could not see anything. Her ears rang. Pain shot through her entire body. She felt her body flying through the air.

She did not know how, but she continued to fly. She flew higher and higher until Dragon's Lair was just a speck. All about her were gentle clouds set on calm blue skies, and for a moment everything was a distant memory, maybe even just a bad dream.

Then she began to fall.


She plummeted to the ground.



Faster—




—and faster.

Just before impact she opened her eyes.

The Sword of Death

"Well, I'm off," Gilder says with a hint of relief that Yarnus the wizard doesn't detect.

"Oh, okay," Yarnus says, "It was good seeing you. Where are you going next?"

"I'm going to search for the Sword of Life," Gilder takes a step toward the door to give Yarnus the hint.

"Very interesting artifact," Yarnus mindlessly yarns, "Enchanted by the sorcerer Malki to heal rather than kill. Interesting fact: Malki also enchanted an exact duplicate sword with the opposite power. Not so much an enchantment, though. He just sharpened it really well."

Gilder sighs, "Next we meet will be too soon."

Trials of a Census Worker

From the second story window, I can see everyone who approaches my home. That doesn't happen very often as of late, but it doesn't stop me from looking.

Today is special, though. The census worker has come to call. I see him from the street, and I rush downstairs to meet him.

"Mrs. Wilhelm?" he says. He's about thirty or so. Nice looking.

"Just 'miss,'" I say, "Never married."

"Ms. Wilhelm," he pauses a moment, "Does anyone else live at this residence?"

"My children."

"Oh? And how many children?"

"Twenty-seven. Oh, here's one of them now!" I pick up Mr. Snuggles.

Self Portrait -sketch-

Kaja

Aleia could not sleep no matter how much she tried. She turned toward Kaja's side of the covered wagon and noticed she was not there. Aleia's heart began to race. She had not heard Kaja leave, and her thoughts immediately turned to the worst. Aleia jumped up from her mat and rushed outside.

The wagon faced a grassy hill, and atop was Kaja silhouetted against the large moon hanging low in the night sky. Kaja danced in the moonlight, and the fireflies danced along with her.

Aleia wished she could be half as beautiful and graceful as Kaja in that moment.

Romantic Gesture

Matt pulls up beside Luke's parked car. Luke is sitting on the hood with a boombox raised above his head pointed toward Rachel's house.

"You've got to stop," Matt says, "People are beginning to talk."

"Let them talk," Luke says, defiant.

"Luke, this is never going to work."

"If I've learned one thing about women, it's they are romantic creatures. A bold demonstration of love will get me back into Rachel's good graces."

"Yeah, but . . . Heat of the Moment? That's the most romantic song you can play?"

"We listened to it once, well thirty seconds of it until she switched stations."

April Fools Squared

It was the most brilliant and most elaborate April Fools' Day prank Gary had ever devised. He usually tried to refrain from patting himself on the back, but in this case he would make an exception. It was just that good. Chad walked straight into it, too. It was so great.

At the perfect moment Gary jumped out a yelled, "April Fools! I got you so good. You should see your face!"

"April Fools!" Chad shouted back.

"What? No. I fooled you."

"That's what I wanted you to think. Gotcha!"

Gary somberly returned to his apartment and stewed in bitter rumination.