Possum

Skunk, known for his pungent smell, was a constant thorn in Dragon's side, so it was a relief when the report came that he had been killed during a water skirmish.

However, Skunk reappeared two months later like a phoenix from the ashes, and he was known as Phoenix until he was killed again. He reappeared three days later this time, prompting the comment that he had nine lives like a cat. Cat became his moniker until returning from the dead a tenth time.

After that he was Possum, because he must have faked his deaths; also he still smelled bad.

The Land of Giants

Kylee deftly navigated the forest of legs. Giants moved carelessly about discussing the intricacies of measuring heights, or the trouble with cumulonimbus clouds, or whatever it is that giants discuss at dinner parties, oblivious to the runt scurrying about their feet.

She had been whisked off to the land of giants in the middle of the night. A witch, jealous of Kylee's beauty (or some other equally feckless reason), banished her to this accursed place.

The giants were not mean (as the storybooks make them), just indifferent to little people. Loaf-sized crumbs fell to the floor. At least she wouldn't starve.

Black Friday

Shoppers stand in huge lines in the middle of the night in the middle of the winter. Still three hours till opening time and they're twisted around the building and down the street. Newly arriving shoppers try to convince themselves there will still be one more plasma TV by the time they get inside.

Thirty minutes to go. The crowd grows anxious. Talk of assaulting the store disseminates among the crowd. Cooler heads prevail for now.

The doors open. The stampede begins.

Five injured. One trampled to death. Better than last year.

It was worth it, because you saved twenty bucks.

Thanksgetting Day

The Galactic Federation President's mansion, known as the White Dwarf House, was filled with boys and girls and yerlaks of all ages waiting for the annual pardoning of the turkey.

President Lovenstein stood austere in front of the young exuberant crowd as the soon-to-be pardonee was marched out in chains.

Kemal Atatürk, giant space-turkey of the Gamma Gobble Gobble Star System, had been convicted with twenty-three counts of murder and was sitting on Space-Death Row.

"On Thanksgetting Day," Lovenstein said, "where we reflect on how thankful we are for all the things we get, we release a mass-murderer for some reason."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Incompetent

"I am surrounded by incompetents!" the bad guy yelled as the hero thwarted yet another trap and slaughtered another fifty henchmen. "You are all so incompetent—Someone get me a thesaurus!"

"I don't think we have any reference books here," one of the henchman whispered.

"Incompetence!" the bad guy said again.

"I have a pocket dictionary," another henchman offered, "it includes some synonyms."

The bad guy straightened up, "I want you all to notice Henchman Number—"

"Thirty-seven."

"—Thirty-seven. He is very un- . . . incompetent," the bad guy flipped open the dictionary, "'Amateur!' That's a good one. You guys are amateur . . . and incompetent."

Fowler Family

The usual chitchat of the Fowler family dinner table was underway. Father Fowler had gone on for most of the meal talking of office politics and business meetings. Mother Fowler had interjected the discussion throughout with questions of the Fowler children's school day to which the most detailed answer was, "It was okay."

Susie Fowler, the youngest Fowler, spoke up, "Whatever happened to Corey?"

Silence settled over the dinner table like a thick fog.

"Susie," Mother Fowler said in a hushed shrill, "we don't speak of Corey anymore, especially in front of Grandma." She motioned to the urn on the mantle.

Is This the End for Lead Man?!

Continued from "Super Sick."
~~~

"Give it to me straight, Doc," Antony Chumbo had been suffering from chronic headaches and stomach pains.

"It's lead poisoning," Doctor Salsa, medical practitioner to the superheroes, said.

"How can that be?!"

"Are you kidding me? You're Lead Man! You run around in a lead suit and you're surprised it's lead poisoning?"

Antony looked straight at Doctor Salsa, "Does this mean I'll have to stop being Lead Man?"

"If you don't you're going to end up like one of those other ill-fated superheroes: the Toxic Revenger, the Mercury Surfer, Asbestos-Boy . . ." Doctor Salsa trailed off, "Poor Asbestos-Boy. He never had a chance . . ."

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Eric's Journey of Enlightenment: Spirit Guide

"You are meant for great things," said a voice in the desert on the seventh day of my meditation.

"What are you?" I asked.

"Your spirit guide," it explained.

"No, I mean, what are you?"

"I-I'm a tapir," Tapir the spirit guide said.

"What's a tapir?"

"A South American mammal."

I stared blankly.

"Look," said Tapir, "Are we going on this journey of spiritual enlightenment or not?"

"I think I'll wait for a better animal," I said.

"Whatever!" Tapir disappeared into the desert night.

"I don't believe I'm suited to this environment," Manatee said flopping in the sand the next day.

Mouse

Mouse trekked across the barren wasteland for days. Her tongue hadn't touched water in two days. Her stomach had been without food so long she forgot what it felt like not to be starving.

A plume of dust billowed up out of the horizon. Soon, Mouse found herself surrounded by a convoy of motorcycles helmed by chiseled men in strategically-arranged leather straps and grimy football pads with spikes glued on more for looks than for any defensive advantage.

"Where you headed, little girl?" said the leader.

Mouse said nothing.

"Take her to Dragon," said another biker, "He'll make use of her."

Super Sick

"Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh! Le French Stereotype strikes again!" Le French Stereotype announced after transmogrifying the entirety of St. Louis's food supply into frog legs and es cargo. "And there's no one who can stop moi!"

"Not so fast!" came a voice that echoed as if inside an empty soup can, and then a heavy metal fist collided with the side of Le French Stereotype's face.

Le French Stereotype was unfazed, "You are too late Lead Man! I have already—"

"Time out!"

"Time out? There is non time outs!"

"Time out! I don't feel so good." Lead Man's toppled over with a tremendous CLANG!

To be continued . . .

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Kiss the Cook

"I made you a special dish this evening, honey," Sara called from the kitchen.

"It better be edible this time," Tony quipped.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Sara popped her smiling head into the dining room, "Le Cuisine called it a 'delight to the senses.'"

"Le Cuisine? Is that a cooking magazine."

"Only the best," Sara handed it to her husband.

"This isn't a magazine. This is lined paper stapled together . . . Wide ruled if I'm not mistaken. Is this some kind of joke? Did you make this?"

"Read it!"

"'Next time don't criticize the—'"

Sara dumped spaghetti sauce on Tony's head.

Saul's Tirade

King Saul hurled a spear at his son.

"You let David get away?" Saul roared.

"He does not oppose you, father," Jonathan insisted.

"Lies! You hear the songs the maidens sing? They barely even mention my name. I'm the king, not that . . . shepherd!" The word tasted foul as it slogged out of his mouth.

"You cannot fight the will of God. Samuel said—"

"I am the one who united the tribes of Israel under one crown! No prophet, no giant-slayer, no deity known to men will ever strip me of my kingdom!"

The palace guards scoured the grounds for a harp.

Kelly

"You just don't understand!" Kelly punctuated her statement with a slamming door.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with that girl, Phil," Betsy shook her head, "Do you remember when she used to think the world of us, back when she was little?"

"It's a phase," Phil said, "We were like this when we were teenagers."

"I just remember when she would used to look up at me, and she had so much happiness in her eyes. Now all I can see in her eyes is anger."

Phil embraced his wife, "It will work out in time. You'll see."

Did He Ever Know Love?

He had been in love, or at least he thought he had been. Now all he knows is that he's never known love.

So many things change over the years. He doesn't want to be one of the cynical ones, say that love doesn't exist. But how can he be sure with the mass commercialization of 'love' all around him?

"It was that two-humped heart!" he cries out. "Why did I think that was love?"

Don't be fooled by cheap corporate imitations of love. Choose the unihump heart to express your love today.

Paid for by the Unihump Heart Awareness Council

~~~
Click here to learn more about the cherished symbol of love: The Unihump Heart

Eric's Journey of Enlightenment: Ask a President

"What is the secret to success?" I asked the President of the United States.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"It's not important," I said, "but I need to know the secret to success, and any other wisdom you might be willing to bequeath to me."

"No," the president corrected me, "it is quite important. See, you're not supposed to be able to get into my bedroom at three in the morning."

"Look," I said fairly irritated, "I don't have time for your politically correct non-answers. I'm on a journey for enlightenment and—"

That's when Secret Service tased me.

Accusations in Space

"The Galactic Federation is doomed, people!" said Ben Gleck, opinion show host on FAUX News, "Or it will be, if President Lovenstein gets his way. Why is Lovenstein not answering the people (and by the people, I mean me)? He won't respond to allegations that he's a child-murderer! Is he a child-murderer? I don't know. I do know that he hasn't not said he's not a child-murderer!" Ben began to choke up, "You see these tears? You see how much I care? No ulterior motive here! Just old fashioned patriotism. Show your patriotism by buying my new book (only 29.95 space-dollars)!"

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Denny

It had never been hard for Denny to get through life. He just yelled and screamed and pouted until he got his way. It served him well since he had been two years old. There had always been someone willing to give in.

Then one day, Denny's last friend in the world finally was fed up and left him. For the first time in his long life, Denny was utterly alone. He threw a tantrum to the heavens, but no one answered.

Moral: In the end, if no love is given out, then eventually there will be nothing left to receive.

Reclaiming the Past

"Hey, remember a few years back when you told me I should jump off a cliff?" Taylor asked at the breakfast table. "Well, I thought of a comeback."

"What? I never said anything like that," Jessica said, "I like you."

"Well, you said it in jest," Taylor admitted

"I really don't remember ever saying that," Jessica pondered, "It's funny how many things we completely forget ever doing. Can we actually say we are who we were, if it bears so little on us that we don't even remember?" Jessica left the table deep in thought.

". . . No, you jump off a cliff . . ."

Lost in Thought

My coffee had long since gone ice cold, and the baristas were locking up. I sat outside at a table for two. The second seat remained empty.

How long had I been waiting?

The sun had set, and street lights had automatically turned on. I took a sip of my frosty brew somehow thinking it would suddenly be warm.

Had I even been waiting for anyone?

My thoughts were jumbled, hard to define like figures in a dense fog. A figure walks out of the fog and into the light. Perhaps she knows why I'm here.

She sits down beside me.

Intervention

"Look Jeff, we're worried about you," Jeff's mother said. All of Jeff's friends and family had gathered in his apartment somehow, even his sickly great-grandmother that lived in Florida. "Even Nana is here for you."

"I don't have a problem!" Jeff exclaimed.

"What your mother is trying to say is," Jeff's father attempted, "well, look at you, son! You're eating cereal from the lid of an Applebee's Carside To Go take-out container. I mean, I could understand reusing the bottom part—"

Jeff shrugged, "I used it yesterday."

"Just use your dishwasher, Jeff. That's all we're asking."

"I'll do what I want!"

Closing Time

"I would tell you that you're pretty," Harry tells the imaginary woman sitting next to him as he nurses his seventh whiskey, "but I'm sure that you get that a lot."

Blunt Destination, a cover band of some band that hasn't been popular since 2003 and nobody remembers anymore, packs up after a successful night: Only three beer bottles were thrown at them.

"Look," Harry says, "if you don't want to talk to me, at least tell me you don't want to talk to me."

The bartender laces the eighth whiskey with more hallucinogens. Entertainment is lacking on a slow night.

Eric's Journey of Enlightenment: Never Trust a Bear

I came into town with scars across my chest, wearing a bear-skin coat still dripping with blood.

I had traveled into a remote part of the Rocky Mountains, where I could contemplate the meaning of life free from the shackles of human interaction and responsibility.

It was there that I also befriended a bear. I named him Ben. I know it wasn't terribly original, but I thought it was funny in an ironic sort of way.

It was nearly too late before I realized Ben's real intentions toward me. Only one of us was going to come down that mountain alive.

Everyone Has a Story

Laura was a thoughtful blogger. She did not use provocative language to make a point. Instead she diplomatically and sensibly approached every subject, making sure to be as unbiased and fair-minded as she possibly could. Needless to say, it got her nowhere on the internet.

Jake was a karate black belt with an anger management problem, and thirty-seven assault charges to back it up.

Fran was a mother of two stuck in a loveless marriage. Some of her dreams hadn't quite turned out as she had wished them to be.

They all sat on the bus saying nothing to each other.

Analogies

If you ever had a problem, Fred was always there, and he had an analogy for whatever situation you found yourself in. The problem was that none of his analogies ever made sense.

"Sorry to hear about you and Rachel," he said one time, "You just need to take all the bad things in your relationship and pick those out of your wallet like they're old fast food receipts. Then take the good things, those are gold coins, and put 'em in your pocket. Watch out for the leprechaun, though. He'll take your coins and tell you to get over it."

Josh

"The problem with people is that they hurt you," Josh said with definitive assurance, "so all I have to do is just get away from everyone. I'll just be a hermit living up in the mountains, so that nothing can hurt me."

"What about a big boulder?" asked Kylee, "Or a cougar?"

"I'm serious," said Josh, "kinda."

"Me, too," said Kylee, "People may have the propensity to hurt, but they also have the ability to help us when we're in need, to love us."

Josh thought a moment, "If only love came without pain."

Kylee was too embarrassed to profess hers.

Life Is So Unfair

Yarvis shackled himself to a ball and chain. "Hey! Hey! You can't do that!" He called out to some man walking by on the sidewalk.

The man stopped (his name was Paul), "Are you speaking to me?"

"Yeah," Yarvis said, "You can't be walking around like that without a ball and chain. You have an unfair advantage over me. How can I hope to compete?"

"But you shackled yourself," Paul said, "and why does it matter? I'm just walking down the street. It's not a competition."

"Everything's a competition!" Yarvis heaved his ball and chain along, "Hey! Don't walk away! Cheater!"

The Case of the Magician

"What are we doing out here, Shamrock?" I asked.

"Edward Hilton is the most astounding magician that I have ever known," my zombie friend said, "If anyone can cure me of my current condition, it is this man."

A small malnourished man opened the door after unlocking three bolts, "Why 'ello, Shamrock! It's been a while!" Edward took hold of Shamrock's hand and shook it off. "A really long while," Edward mused.

"You dabble in the dark magical arts then, Edward?" I asked.

"Card tricks," he admitted.

"What?" I stammered.

"Oh, but Walton, they're very good card tricks!" Shamrock assured me.

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

November

There were more leaves spread across the ground than were actually still clinging to the trees. The vibrant colors of yellow, orange, and red seemed to warm up the atmosphere despite the dropping temperatures. A flock of geese made their way south, announcing their presence to all below.

I sat outside a corner coffee store, holding the warm cup between both my hands. I sipped lightly, as I gazed at the scene about me.

Winter had come and gone last year, though at the time it seemed as if it would never be over. How quickly now did winter come again.

Why Let Governor Sanford Have All the Fun?

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I have had a long and celebrated career serving the people of Pennsylvania, but I would be remiss if I did not address the grievous injustice I have been forced to deal with for its entirety. I ask you: Where are my beautiful South American mistresses? Too long have I been forced to live a strictly monogamous lifestyle. I'm a politician for goodness sake! That is why I implore you to support S2577: Introduce Senator Evans to a Smoking Hot Babe (But Nobody Tell Mrs. Evans) Act of 2009. Thank you."

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania