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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Murder!

"If it pleases the court," Robby stretched invisible suspenders with his thumbs, "I may not be some smooth-talkin' city lawyer, but I think I know a thing or two about the law."

"What are you doing, Mr. Firth?" the judge inquired.

"I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Holland was nowhere near the scene of the crime the night of the murder!"

"Murder? Mr. Firth, this is not a murder trial. This is traffic court and you were caught doing 47 in a 35."

"I plead insanity, your honor!"

"In this we are in total agreement."

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Damien

Damien's hand hovers in a reluctant pause just short of the door. He grimaces then backs away slowly leaving his hand suspended at the door for as long as he can. With a sigh Damien drops his hand and turns away.

Click. Rrrrt. The door creaks open.

"Damien? Damien, is that you?"

He turns with a forced smile, "Hey, Julie."

Julie's arms are crossed, "What are you doing here?"

"I was just leaving."

"Let me go, Damien."

"That's the thing," he says, "I can't, Julie. I love you."

She sighs because she loves him, too. "I can't keep riding this rollercoaster."

Monday, February 22, 2010

Semantics

"We are gathered to mourn the passing of Lenora Gillespie," Pastor Sciutto said. "Lenora was taken much too soon from us when she was tragically struck by a meteorite."

"Meteor," called someone in the audience.

"Excuse me?"

"She was struck by a meteor. It's a meteorite once it lands."

"Yeah," Pastor Sciutto said, "it landed on her."

"But it was still in the air when it hit her," called the man, "so technically it was still a meteor on impact."

"Fine! Fine! Meteor! Lenora was taken much too soon from us when she was tragically struck by a meteor! Happy?"

"Quite."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

February

The groundhog said it would be bad. The groundhog has a bad habit of understatement. Winter comes in like a lion, stays like a lion, and goes out like a lion; and a groundhog is to blame. Or the weatherman. I like blaming the weatherman.

Ice covers everything like an uncomfortable transparent blanket. My opaque blankets beckon me to return to bed, and I wish I could acquiesce. I cannot use the weather, or the weatherman, or a groundhog, or a lion or anything else as a scapegoat.

It seems February is always this way and how it will probably remain.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Bittersweet Reunion

"You're not as I remember," Jennifer Howe sipped lightly from her steaming cup, "but I can't quite place my finger on it."

"It has been a few years. I don't believe I'm the same man you knew at all," Kowalski smiled.

"You still have your old smile," Jennifer smiled as well, "You're not completely different. I'm sorry, would you like some coffee?"

"No thank you, Jenn. I'm afraid I didn't come for the reunion. You remember Lesley?"

"Lesley Park? Yes, I remember her."

"She's dead," Darrin Kowalski's voice faltered, "She's dead, Jenn."

"I don't understand," Jennifer said, "How?"

"I killed her."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Interrogation

"What is your name, child?" Dragon's rotting breath hit Mouse with the force of a truck. Her eyes welled up with tears partly from the stench, partly from fear. "Your name, child," Dragon demanded.

"Mouse," she squeaked.

Dragon smiled a crooked yellow-brown smile that made Mouse gag. "An appropriate name for such a delicate creature. Tell me, Mouse, where do you come from?"

"From beyond—" Mouse's voice cracked. Her throat was so dry it hurt to speak. "—the mountains."

"What brings you so far from home?" Dragon's one good eye was fixed on Mouse.

"The sickness. I'm the only one left."

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Confrontation

"What are you trying to prove, Holly?"

"Y-you know very well what I—Stay back!" Holly's entire body trembles, but her gun remains steadily trained on Phil. "So help me, I will shoot you, Phil! Don't think I won't!"

For a brief moment Phil's face is blank with shock, but he quickly recovers to his usual smirk, "We both know you don't have the—"

POW! Crrrrsh!

The flower vase on the mantle behind Phil shatters into a thousand pieces.

"Woah! Okay! Okay!" Phil holds up his hands, "What do you want?"

"I want you to suffer like I have," Holly says.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Life Is Story

"Today I realized I am not the hero of my own story," Quinn says matter-of-factly.

"Excuse me?" Talia says.

"I think we all have this idea that our lives should conform to the elements of a good story. There should be a beginning, middle and end. You should get to be the hero, overcome the challenges set before you, and live happily-ever-after."

Talia says nothing.

"I've realized I'm not the hero. I'm not the sidekick. I'm not even the comic relief character. I'm just an extra, nameless Bystander #2."

"I think I'll just walk instead of catch the bus," Talia says.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Final Project

Gabby says I think too much, and she's probably right. But with everything that's going on right now can anyone really blame me for thinking too much?

Mr. Sullivan assigned us to partners for our final projects. He says they will account for ten percent of our final grade. Ten percent! That's a whole letter grade if I screw it up, and I probably will, because I was paired up with Bobby Mitchell. How am I supposed to think about Social Studies when I'm working with the guy I've crushed on for two whole years?

Gabby says I should totally chill.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day!

Show your sweetie the singularity of your love for him/her this Valentine's Day with the unihump heart!

S/he will say, "This certainly does express the oneness I feel we experience as being a couple. Why did I ever come to believe that a traditional two-hump heart could adequately express the unity of the love we share?"

To which you will reply, "Also it is free from the over-commercialization that has come to haunt the Valentine's Day industry!"

"If it were possible to love you more deeply than the concord of the unihump heart, I would," s/he will say.

Seriously. Try it!


~~~
Click here to learn more about the cherished symbol of love: The Unihump Heart

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Heat Wave

A thunderstorm rolled into town overnight, and a stray lightning bolt knocked out the power for the small town of Springfield. Overcast skies gave way to cloudless skies and a blistering heat the following morning.

No power meant no AC, and no AC meant absolute torture for Henry. He tried as best he could to move as little as possible, only shifting with the moving shade as the day continued on. Despite his best efforts, it was still unbearably hot. Henry's white shirt had turned transparent with perspiration.

"It's hot," he said. Henry always had a talent for understatements. "Real hot."

Monday, February 8, 2010

Home

If ever there was want of home, I have it. It calls to me over the miles upon miles of ocean waves. It beckons me with sweet siren song, driving me mad. I consider for a moment swimming home, but my brain pipes in, "Wait to fly. It's much faster."

Though it's only briefly been my home, it is home still to me. Home sweet home, as the saying goes. And home I want to be.

Farewell, sunny Africa. You've been good to me. Now I'm off to where the buffalo roam, and the wheat fields stretch out like a sea.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Case of the Fourth Wall

Continued from The Case of Doctor Walton, The Case of Zombie O'Malley, The Case of the Gypsy Amulet, The Case of the Magician, The Case of Another Detour, The Case of the Anachronistic Quote, and The Case of Science.
~~~

Shamrock O'Malley and I sat in our study, as we often had before.

"Like old times," I reminisced.

"Indeed," Shamrock noted, "Except for the convoluted way in which I somehow came back to life. I dare say if this were a story and not real life, I would say the author of our tale wasn't really trying."

"In any case," I said, "things are back to normal."

"Quite right," Shamrock agreed but not for long, "though if the events of today would foreshadow anything, it would be that our new adventures just won't have the spark they had before I died."

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mortobo

Mortobo spied the gathering mob of the village. He drew his knife. "Stay back," he called out as the people drew near, "or I shall bring lightning down upon you."

The people mumbled among themselves hesitantly, and the elder of the village was pushed forward.

"Mortobo," his voice shook, "you are no longer welcome here."

"No one commands Mortobo!"

The elder motioned to several warriors of the village. Five approached the witch.

Crack!

Lightning flew from Mortobo's knife, and one man fell dead. The other four charged.

Crack! Crack!

Another two men fell before an ax was lodged in Mortobo's head.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Beauty

Crickets still sound the same on the other side of the world. I imagine they are crickets. If not, they are excellent imitators of that which they have never seen nor heard.

Everything is beautiful here, even the ugly things. But I cannot help missing that which is not here, what I have left behind.

I close my eyes and I see more clearly than when I was there. My hand can reach out and touch what is so firm in my imagination.

With opened eyes the immense beauty of this place only reminds me of the beauty I left behind.