Ice Cream Inflation

The first two measures of The Entertainer played on a continual loop attracting kids from far and wide.

"Sorry kids, but with rising gasoline and food prices, we've had to slightly raise our prices," the ice cream truck driver explained, "The Choco-pops literally cost an arm and a leg. Rainbow Rockets cost a single flower: the White Morning Flower, which blooms once every fifteen years and only on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro."

"I only have a nickel," said Andy.

"Well, we do have the Vanilla Cone . . . provided your nickel is a 1913 Liberty Head nickel, valued five million US dollars."

More Breaking News

B'jnktl the news-alien broke into programming, "Joke-candidate Jorgan Skithypot has rocketed ahead in the polls after news of his pick for vice president. We turn now to GNN political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000."

"Skithypot has had a tremendous 30 point jump after naming Babe-mo-Tron™ as his running mate. We polled new Skithypot supporters, and they all said they support Babe-mo-Tron™ because she has 'a great personality,' but when analyzed under a mind-reader-beam they all support her because she is quote: 'a total babe.'"

"Google-Bronx's vice president and Space-Nobel Peace Prize winner Theodore Franton just doesn't seem all that qualified now."

"Very true, B'jnktl."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Lovenstein's Running Mate

"We interrupt Monday Night Space-Ape Fights for this breaking news," B'jnktl the news-alien announced, "Galactic presidential contender Vithor Lovenstein has announced Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 as his running mate. We turn now to political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000. It's surprising that Lovenstein chose a non-sentient software program as a vice presidential nominee."

"Not really. Polls showed potential voters saw Lovenstein as less intelligent than his opponents, so the choice of Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 was really a no-brainer."

"Lovenstein's opponents have criticized the pick, though."

"Certainly. President Google-Bronx said Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 may be intelligent, but cannot sympathize with the average voter."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Why He Switched to Monsters

"Eureka!"

Igor quickly hobbled down the stairs, "What is it, my Master?"

"Igor, I know I say this all the time, but believe when I say that this time I have finally stumbled upon the invention that will change human development as fundamentally as fire, or the wheel, or the all-you-can-eat buffet! Behold!" Dr. Frankenstein dramatically whipped a sheet off his latest creation. Glorious silence filled the room as the mad scientist allowed Igor proper time to soak it all in. "Impressive, eh?" he finally said.

"What is it?"

"I call it the solar-powered flashlight!"

Igor sighed.

Unoriginal Title

Bill pursed his lips in sheer anticipation as Ursula the critic peered over his manuscript. Bill was sure he could improve his writing with her advice. After several minutes Ursula put down the manuscript with a jaded sigh.

"Is it bad?" Bill winced as he asked.

"It's okay, I suppose," Ursula sighed again, "just not very original."

"Which part?"

"All of it! There's a hero, a villain, a love interest, secondary characters. It's all been done before."

"But those are just basic elements of a novel."

"Overused is more like it. Also, why did you write this in English? So predictable!"

Death's Honeymoon Is Apparently Over

A phone rings.

"You know it's 3 a.m., right? What? I'll be right in."

"What was that, honey?"

"Some kid playing in traffic or something. Don't wait up for me."

"All you ever do is work nowadays. We never spend time together anymore."

"Look, Pesty. I'm Death. You knew that when you married me. It's not my fault these Americans can't teach their children not to kill themselves!"

"I don't think you try hard enough. I'm home all the time."

"You're Pestilence! Locusts work on what? A seven year cycle? I have a fulltime job!"

"I knew I should've married War!"

I Really Don't Know What to Tell You

"Tonight is the night!" Joe said to his reflection in the mirror, "I finally have a date with Rachel, and you better not mess it up!" Joe practically growled as he pointed an accusatory finger at his reflection.

His reflection stared back at him with cold empty eyes.

Joe continued to argue with his reflection, "You're always messing these things up for me."

Joe's reflection gave back a quizzical look.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about! Remember my date with Jill? I go to the bathroom and you are there. You threw off my groove!"

Joe's reflection shrugged.

Thinly Veiled Analogy

Russ and George ordered lunch at the local burger joint and sat down to eat together. Russ reached over and took a handful of George's fries.

"Hey! Those are my fries," said George.

"I'm taking these fries because they're a side dish, a disputable part of the meal," said Russ, "At least I'm not eating your burger." Immediately finishing his sentence, Russ grabbed hold of George's burger and took a bite.

"You can't do that!" George protested.

"Yes I can. It's a peacekeeping measure," explained Russ.

"How is it peacekeeping?"

"If you don't let me eat it, there won't be peace."

Alvin the Alien

Hirglaz sighed as another human came up to the Occupation Complaints Bureau desk. The placard read "Alvin." Leadership up top said that humans were 7.3 percent more willing to cooperate with Earth's conquerors if they took human names.

"Yes?" Hirglaz said to the ugly human (in truth, all humans were ugly).

"Well, Mister Alvin, the Torizzian deathships that enforce the sunset human curfew make this humming noise, and it keeps me up at night."

"And what do you want me to do?"

"Well, I was hoping all you aliens might just leave Earth, maybe?"

"No."

"Well, it was worth a try."

Because When I Want Medical Advice, I Want Someone Who Can Only Understand Medicine in Relation to Their Own Line of Work

"My name is Earl Studebaker, and I am a construction worker on some of the world's largest skyscrapers. I know about taking small things, like blueprints, and making them bigger things, like really big skyscrapers. So when my doctor told me that I had an enlarged prostate, I asked him, 'How are we going to make it bigger?'

"'You don't understand,' he said, 'It's not supposed to be enlarged. That is why you need to take a drug to shrink it.'

"'But,' I stammered, 'I don't know how to make things small! How can I trust you?'

"'Because I'm a doctor.'"

The Case of the Tricky Pirate- Part 2

Continued from "The Case of the Tricky Pirate."
~~~

Shamrock O'Malley and I arrived at the nearest dock set on the Thames. Shamrock scoured the dock for signs of pirate activity.

"Even if your hypothesis is correct," said I, "how are we going to find a pirate?"

"Elementary, my dear Walton," said Shamrock, "We look for the Jolly Roger, and there it is!" Shamrock pointed out a hundred-year-old frigate flying the skull and crossbones.

We ran to the pirate ship where aboard stood a peg-legged man holding a stick with a boot connected to it. "Arrrr! You'll never catch me alive!"

"I can't believe it," I said, "Shamrock . . . was right!" 

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Conspiracy Nut

The man on the TV keeps saying that it's safe to go outside, but I just can't believe him. His hair is just too good-looking. It could only have been done by alien invaders . . . or ChiComs. Either one is equally as bad, so I'll just stay inside. Obviously, if aliens or Chinese people invaded, they could not get to me at all. I double-locked the front door.

The TV has moved on to a segment about a presidential visit to Africa. Fools. Don't they know that that is a clever clone and/or robot duplicate? Why can nobody see this except me?

Also Don't Ask Why He Can Speak Modern English

"'Tis just like riding a horse," Sir Gregory of Cornwall told himself as he stood atop the halfpipe, skateboard underfoot.

Timothy Walters, the poor man inexplicably linked with this Celtic knight that somehow was in present-day California, ran to stop Sir Gregory. That seemed to be all Timothy did nowadays.

But Timothy was too late. Sir Gregory disappeared from the top of the halfpipe, screaming. Timothy clenched his eyes shut but did not hear the inevitable sound of breaking bones.

"'Tis an invigorating sport," Sir Gregory said as he did an aerial 360.

Timothy felt he was trapped in a sitcom.

~~~
Other adventures of Sir Gregory of Cornwall in the present-day

Showdown in the Abandoned Cereal Factory

"You're too late, Batboy!" Admiral Breakfast twirled his handlebar mustache betwixt his thumb and forefinger. "The delivery trucks have already spread out across the city. And in each box of cereal I put in two scoops . . . of nitroglycerin!"

Batboy found himself tied-up on a slow-moving conveyor belt moving toward a grinding machine.

Admiral Breakfast laughed, "And now you will become a part of a balanced breakfast!"

"I don't eat breakfast!" Batboy flexed his potbelly and broke free from his bindings.

"But breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" Admiral Breakfast charged with an enormous spoon.

Spoon and bat clashed.

~~~
More adventures of Batboy!
The commercial that brought forth Admiral Breakfast