Scene of the Crime

"So the perpetrator returns to the scene of the crime," Chief Waxler folded his arms in self-satisfaction.

"What?" Officer Malone checked to see if someone was behind him.

"You," Waxler pointed to Malone, "You've returned to the scene of the crime, therefore you're guilty."

"I went across the street to grab a coffee. I was gone for five minutes."

"So you admit it!"

"Admit what?"

"Returning to the scene of the crime. Case closed!"

Officer Malone sighed, "We drove here together. The crime had already been committed."

"So you returned twice!" Chief Waxler narrowed his eyes, "That means you're double guilty!"

Katie

Katie groaned as she watched the rain pour down. She dreamed of splashing around in the puddles forming in the backyard. She imagined the cool drops of rain falling on her face. She could practically hear the mud squishing underneath her galoshes. She could be having so much fun. She groaned louder, so Mommy in the next room was sure to hear.

What good were galoshes and raincoats if you couldn't use them? Didn't Mommy realize that there wasn't anything to do inside? That valuable play time was being wasted this very moment?

The rain continued to fall, and Katie sighed.

Do You Notice Me?

On a summer night,
How could you forget?
You're all alone
Watching the sunset,
And tears stream down.
Do you call this "free"?
You're all alone.
Do you notice me?

In a cruel world
That doesn't really care,
You'd stand alone,
But you don't dare.
It's all there is,
And what will ever be.
There's nothing left.
Do you notice me?

They left you behind.
They all went their way.
They did not know
You needed them to stay.
You're invisible;
That's what you believe.
Well, I see you.
Do you notice me?

Vanity

You're so vain; you probably think this blog post is about you.

Of course if you don't think it's about you, then you probably are not as vain as I thought you were, and that would mean I'm a rather mean person to insinuate that you are so vain.

On the other hand, this blog post is indeed about you, and so for you to think that it is about you is not really all that vain. It would seem like I am the jerk from this perspective as well.

But seriously, you're vain. That's all I'm trying to get at.

Coupons

"It was awful, Meredith! Just awful!" Matthew threw the groceries onto the counter.

"Why? What's wrong, honey?"

"I was at the checkout, and I told the young man there that I had some coupons. Well, he just laughed. I asked him what was so funny, and he said, 'Only women use coupons.' Only women?! It's not like I cut them out of the Sunday paper. They printed them out for me last time I was there. It's like wasted money not to use them. That’s not womanly. That's just smart! Right?"

"Oh, Matthew," Meredith gave a sympathetic sigh, "men aren’t smart."

Elizabeth

The light flickered and died. Elizabeth groaned then felt around for the light switch. No good. The power must have gone out. She stumbled to the door. It opened to more black. Elizabeth began to worry. This was the first time she visited this house, and the others wouldn’t be back for at least another hour.

Further down the hall amber light suddenly sliced through the darkness revealing a door.

"H-h-hello?" Elizabeth whispered, "Jenny? Are you back? Mark?"

A shadow passed over the light. Deep gravelly breaths surrounded Elizabeth. She died to scream for fear, but for fear she dared not.

nEuRotIC #4: Stuck in a Rut

Unihump Heart Poem

I wrote this love poem
in the form of a unihump heart,
hoping that it might finally melt yours,
hoping against hope you may now notice me.
Too long have I held these feelings inside me.
Too long has my anxiety kept me from saying
all the things that I've wished to say to you.
Here is my chance, in the form of a single-
humped heart: The perfect symbol of love
and unity. Much better than a double-
humped heart: A symbol of lust and
commercialization. The unihump
heart has yet to make it
mainstream, so it is
still pure for
now.

~~~
Go here to learn more about the Unihump Heart.

They Should Call It "Soylent Great"

"Oh, Kasey! I'm glad you're here. You've got to try some of this!" John said through mouthfuls.

"What is it?"

"It's called Soylent Green, and it's to die for!"

"Don't you know what is in that stuff?" Kasey asked hesitantly.

"Not a clue. I do know that it is wonderfully delicious, and that I love it, and that it provides me with all my daily needed protein," John pointed to the Nutrition Facts.

Kasey looked at the ingredients and her eyes bugged out wide, "John, Soylent Green is–"

"–Fantastic. I know. Here, try Soylent Green: Asian Cuisine."

Kasey puked.

nEuRotIC #3: She Loves Me?

Where Ice Cream Really Comes From

"Gadzooks!" cried Sir Gregory of Cornwall, "What is this fantastic delight upon which I am partaking? It is as cold as a winter's night, and as sweet as honey fresh from the comb!"

"Ice cream," Timothy Walters explained.

"Nay, you speak normally."

"No. That's what it's called. Ice cream."

"Oh!" Sir Gregory marveled at the thought. "How are the eyes made so cold?"

"The what?"

"The cream of eyes. How are they chilled?" Sir Gregory took another bite and moaned with delight.

"There are no eyes! It's cream from cow's milk. ICE," Timothy paused, "CREAM."

Sir Gregory gagged, "A cow!? Disgusting!"

~~~
Other adventures of Sir Gregory of Cornwall in the present-day

Tales from Destin: Slumdog Millionaire

I entered a clothing store with several of my cousins as we were browsing the local outlet mall. I wasn't really looking for anything. I was just tagging along.

Reese casually looked at the tag on a shirt. "Made in India," he said. Then it hit him a couple seconds later and he sighed, "Aww, that makes me think of Slumdog Millionaire."

"Those poor little slumdogs," I interjected with as tearful a voice as I could muster, "I wish they could all be millionaires! I'd make them all millionaires if I could! They may be untouchables, but they touched my heart!"

nEuRotIC #2: Super Disappointment

Tales from Destin: Wrist Strap

My new camera dared me to attempt using it. What if I did something wrong setting it up?

My younger cousin Will was not daunted, "It's easy. Just put in batteries and the memory card and take pictures!"

"But the instructions haven't told me to do that yet!" I said. Then I carefully read to put in the batteries and memory card.

A few moments later, "Who uses a wrist strap? And why are you taking so much time putting it on?"

"The instructions told me to put it on! It's got to be important if they have instructions for it!"

Wrong Door

Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in. Well, come in, come in. Sit down.

Let me tell you a story. This happened about ten years ago. Now, Jim was a little wet behind the ears back then. Well, anyway, one day he says to me-- What's that? You were just looking for the bathroom and you must've taken the wrong door?

Oh, yes, you'll be wanting the third door on the left. Yessir, that'll get you to where you need to be. When you're done, maybe you'll come back and I'll tell you about ol' Jim. No? Well, okay.