The Pants Paradox

Tonight was the night. Marcus was finally going out with Rachel. He put on his favorite pants for the occasion.

"Stop!" Future-Marcus and the professor rushed in. "I can't explain now, but if you wear those pants our life will be ruined. I had the professor build a time machine just to warn you—me!"

"Okay, then I'll change my paaaaaaaaaaaa—" Marcus faded from existence.

"What happened?" Future-Marcus asked.

The professor stroked his chin, "Apparently those horrendous pants were essential to the time-space continuum and without them Marcus voided himself from existence."

"Then why am I still here?"

The professor shrugged.

Romantic Gesture

Matt pulls up beside Luke's parked car. Luke is sitting on the hood with a boombox raised above his head pointed toward Rachel's house.

"You've got to stop," Matt says, "People are beginning to talk."

"Let them talk," Luke says, defiant.

"Luke, this is never going to work."

"If I've learned one thing about women, it's they are romantic creatures. A bold demonstration of love will get me back into Rachel's good graces."

"Yeah, but . . . Heat of the Moment? That's the most romantic song you can play?"

"We listened to it once, well thirty seconds of it until she switched stations."

Analogies

If you ever had a problem, Fred was always there, and he had an analogy for whatever situation you found yourself in. The problem was that none of his analogies ever made sense.

"Sorry to hear about you and Rachel," he said one time, "You just need to take all the bad things in your relationship and pick those out of your wallet like they're old fast food receipts. Then take the good things, those are gold coins, and put 'em in your pocket. Watch out for the leprechaun, though. He'll take your coins and tell you to get over it."

Makes Sense to a Teenager

The clock radio reads 10:22 as Jake turns on to Summerset Drive. Rachel lives on the sixth house on the right.

Jake inserts a homemade CD into the player, turns up the volume, and rolls down the power windows. Despite the fact the sun has long ago set, he dons his sunglasses. He slowly creeps along the suburban street, car blasting a song of teenage rebellion and immature love. If this wouldn't impress Rachel, then nothing would.

In his mind she runs out of the house and professes her hidden affection for him. In reality an angry neighbor curses him out.

Confidence

"I just don't know, Helen. I'm finally going on a date with Rachel, and I'm just a bunch of nerves," Edward said. "Look at my hands. Look at them! They're totally drenched in sweat!"

"Calm down, Ed," said Helen straightening Edward's tie, "and stand still! Everything will be fine."

Edward furiously wiped his hands on his shirt. "I think—I think they're getting sweatier! How is that even possible?"

Helen sighed, "Ed. You are definitely not going to impress her if you keep fretting about this date. Remember that confidence is sexy. Trust me."

"Then I am the UNSEXIEST man alive!"

Typical Sitcom

"You've got to help me, Jeff! I finally have a date with Rachel, the girl I've been pining over for the last fifteen minutes, but I just remembered that I have to make the winning touchdown at the football game! And I'm supposed to be at both tonight!"

"Woah! Slow down there Speedy Gonzales," Jeff smirks at the camera to canned laughter, "I know how to fix everything."

"You do?"

"Yeah! With the help of NBA All-Star Yao Ming!"

Yao enters to enthusiastic applause and cheers. "I cameo," he says and leaves.

"How was that supposed to help?"

"Do what now?"

I Really Don't Know What to Tell You

"Tonight is the night!" Joe said to his reflection in the mirror, "I finally have a date with Rachel, and you better not mess it up!" Joe practically growled as he pointed an accusatory finger at his reflection.

His reflection stared back at him with cold empty eyes.

Joe continued to argue with his reflection, "You're always messing these things up for me."

Joe's reflection gave back a quizzical look.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about! Remember my date with Jill? I go to the bathroom and you are there. You threw off my groove!"

Joe's reflection shrugged.