The Pants Paradox

Tonight was the night. Marcus was finally going out with Rachel. He put on his favorite pants for the occasion.

"Stop!" Future-Marcus and the professor rushed in. "I can't explain now, but if you wear those pants our life will be ruined. I had the professor build a time machine just to warn you—me!"

"Okay, then I'll change my paaaaaaaaaaaa—" Marcus faded from existence.

"What happened?" Future-Marcus asked.

The professor stroked his chin, "Apparently those horrendous pants were essential to the time-space continuum and without them Marcus voided himself from existence."

"Then why am I still here?"

The professor shrugged.

There's a Nap for That

Rip van Winkle shot awake. "Why do I have a beard?" he said scratching it. Then it dawned on him, "I must have been asleep for years. I'm in the future!"

Rip raced to the local coffee shop his friends used to hang out at. Justin was sitting in the corner. "Hey, Rip," he called, "Long time no see."

"Yeah, I know."

"Check it out," Justin said smugly, "an iPad."

Rip eyed it over warily. "This isn't right. Why is it bigger than an iPhone, but has less functionality?" Then it dawned on Rip again, "Unless . . . I slept backwards through time!"

The Expungicator

"But Mom, she said that if we don't follow her then we'll have to face a post-apocalyptic nightmare-ish world where I'm fighting robots for survival."

"It," said Julie.

"What?"

"It's a robot. It just looks like a she, but it's an it," Julie said in a stoic manner looking off into a random corner of the room, "and don't you forget it."

"But Mom," Harry seemed to start most all of his sentences with those two words these days, "I sent her—sorry, it—from the future back to help us."

"It's still an Expungicator and can't be trusted!"

"But Mom . . ."

~~~
More from Expungicator: The Julie Reid Chronicles

Return to a Non-Awesome Timeline!?

Professor Brainly unveiled his latest invention, "With this we can pinpoint the divergence of timeline you created and return to our own time."

Carl Awesome tried desperately to wrap his mind around the concept.

"You just need to think fourth dimensionally!" Brainly exclaimed.

"So you're saying that we'd no longer be in a post-apocalyptic future where there are somehow dinosaurs along with modern stuff for me to hunt them with? Hence my name, Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter."

"Precisely!"

"I see," said Carl, and then he proceeded to destroy the machine.

"But why, Carl?!" Brainly moaned.

"I'd have to change my name."

~~~
Other Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter stories

Conspiracy Theories in Space

Bill McIrish glowered, but that was normal, "Questions continue to be raised concerning Vithor Lovenstein's legal status and qualifications to be president. I'm joined by attention-loving-conspiracy-theorist Cletus Barycenter. Explain for the space-folks the problem exactly."

"We simply don't know anything about Lovenstein. Is he a Body-Snatcher from the Nega-Zone? Did he travel here from the future and use his future knowledge of his own election victory to win the election? Without a space-birth certificate, we simply don't know!"

"To be fair, Lovenstein's released numerous documents refuting these accusations."

"What's he hiding? He's going through incredible lengths to counter these ridiculous allegations!"

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Burritos and Time Travel

John's lips quivered at the thought of scarfing down the decadent Mexican-ish delight from Taco Town.

"No! Don't eat that burrito!" an old man cried. "I've come from the future to stop you . . . me."

"I come back in time for a burrito?" Present-John asked his future doppelganger.

"Not the burrito per se, but the culminating consequences that develop from eating that—DON'T BRING THAT CLOSER TO YOUR MOUTH!"

"Sorry."

"Thirty minutes from now you develop explosive diarrhea, which leads to several long and expensive medical procedures that leave you destitute!"

"But I get to travel through time," Present-John countered through burrito-mouthfuls.

Just in Case You Didn't Get It the First Time

"Let me get this straight, Ms. Reid. You are being hunted by a robot that looks and sounds like an Austrian bodybuilder–"

"–From the future," injected Julie.

"Yes, of course. And this robot–"

"–From the future–"

"–was sent back because your son is the future leader of the human resistance. And your son sent back a soldier–"

"–From the future–"

"–to protect you, and ended up being the father of your son, resulting in a time-looping paradox. Is that correct?"

Julie leaned in uncomfortably close, "From the future!" she whispered loudly.

Takin' Out Those Dangerous Herbivores!

My name is Carl Awesome. Long story short: I hunt dinosaurs.

I was rockin' out to some Led Zeppelin and I got so totally pumped! I just had to KILL something, you know what I mean?

So I just run out into the wild with Over the Hills and Far Away running through my head, and I run into this brachiosaurus. It gave me this look as it was chewing its cud, and I just wasn't going to take that! So I scaled its neck like a tree trunk and then snapped it.

Later that evening, we had Brachio-Burgers ala Awesome.

~~~
Other Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter stories

Awesome Girlfriend

I was out pile-driving stegosauruses for an extreme workout when I heard a scream from somewhere out in the former downtown area. I say "former" because dinosaurs destroyed it after I accidently changed the future.

Anyway, I jumped in my souped-up 1973 Dodge Charger and put pedal to the metal. I found a hot chick being attacked by a pack of velociraptors. I took them out. How? By being awesome.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter," I said.

"How appropriate."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Amy Girlfriend."

"How appropriate."

And that's how I got a girlfriend. Awesome out.

~~~
Other Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter stories

Awesome Story

I'm Carl Awesome. I used Professor Brainly's time machine to travel back to dinosaur times. Brainly warned me not to touch anything because it would disrupt the space-time continuum or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have stepped on that primitive mammal . . . or sucker-punched that triceratops. What can I say, though? My name's Awesome. I have a reputation to keep.

So I return and find civilization's on the brink of collapse because now dinosaurs live in our time. Now I'm Carl Extreme Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter. Oh, did I mention my middle name is Extreme?

One Sentence Short Stories

"Don't push that button," were his last words, but for a completely unrelated reason.

Clanging church bells; how long had it been since I heard that sound?

The thunderous roar of the charging Tyrannosaurus Rex told Marty that the time travel experiment was both a success and a failure.