I Wrote This One Just for Me

"I've been recently considering the value of naming things within stories," Fiona said to her English teacher. "I can name things completely random things, and it would imitate real life, but not all my readers would get it. Conversely, I could name things what they represent. I could name my character 'Everyman' instead of 'John' and just announce to the reader: 'I'm writing in allegory!'"

Math Teacher said, "Is there only those two extremes?"

"I suppose I could name him 'Everyman' and write him contrary to his name, but that would only confuse the readers."

Math Teacher the English teacher nodded.

Independent Minded

"Hey, Bill, have you seen Latest Blockbuster? It's pretty good."

"I hate Latest Blockbuster! I'm independently minded, unlike all the corporate sheep who love what they're told to love. I thought better of you, Paul."

"Oh? So what didn't you like about the movie?"

"It's popular."

"Is that it? You just don't like it, because other people do like it?"

"Don't you see? If I like something that's popular, then people will start calling me a tool! I can't bear being singled out of the entire group like that!"

"That doesn't make sense. Are you even listening to what you're saying?"

Today

Today was a hard day
I spent much time in quiet contemplation
Where did I go wrong?
What could I have done?
I stood still as the world moved on about me
I could not cry
So I let the sky cry in my stead

Magical Cutbacks

"I'm the genie of the lamp! You may now have two wishes!"

Muhammad frowned, "Two? I thought genies gave people three wishes?"

"Management's cutting back," the genie shrugged, "Magic is expensive these days."

"Okay, fine," Muhammad grumbled, "For my first wish, I want a magical carpet that can fly around."

"I can do that, but first: How much do you weigh? You look a little pudgy."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"If you're over a certain weight, you'll have to use two wishes for two magic carpets sewed together. Also, you'll have to pay extra for carry-on luggage."

Bad Joke

"Have you heard the one about the rhinoceros and the bee?"

"Yes. I told you that I have heard of every joke ever conceived," Joe claimed.

I had cornered him, "Ha! I know you're lying now, because I just said the first two things that came into my head. There is no such joke!"

"No, it is a joke," Joe said with a smug grin.

"Then tell it to me."

"What did the rhinoceros say after it was stung by the bee?"

"I don't know. What?"

"Ouch."

I grumbled, "That wasn't very funny."

"I didn't say it was a good joke."

It's What's Inside that Counts

"Ted, you should probably ease up on that food. You know your doctor said you should try to lose some weight."

Ted burst out into tears. "You don't understand! Nobody understands!"

"Sorry. I didn't know you were so sensitive about–" Lisa tried to apologize.

"I'm a fat man living inside a slightly-thinner-yet-still-also-fat man's body! That's why I eat! To be the man I really am on the inside!"

"Why aren't you just content with who you already are?"

"Because this body is not me! I'm fatter than this on the inside! I'm being brave by stuffing my face like this!"

The Case of the Tricky Pirate

"It appears we missed our opportunity at catching the criminal. But not to worry, for the case is afoot, or rather a leg!" said Shamrock O'Malley.

"I don't follow," I said trying to understand Shamrock's logic.

"Dr. Walton, if you notice here in the snow, a small circular imprint by the boot imprints, clearly indicating that our culprit has a peg-leg and is therefore a pirate!"

"But there are both right and left boot imprints. Would that not rather indicate use of a cane?"

"Merely pirate treachery to lead us off the scent! To the harbor!"

I sighed as I followed.

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Proverbs 22:13

Herbert Waxelman lazed on his couch all day. Day after day he grew fatter and paler.

One day his wife could not stand it any longer, "Go outside and get some exercise and sun!"

"It's dangerous outside," Herbert said, "and I might get killed! There's this news report: A lion escaped from the zoo!"

"Well, at least open a window and get some fresh air."

Herbert's nacho-cheese laced scent wafted out the open window, attracting the lion.

Later, Herbert's wife came in, "Uck! Take a bath! You smell like an animal. You also need a shave."

Herbert growled in dissatisfaction.

Office Hijinks

"Where are all my paper clips?"

Phil pretended he did not hear Ryan and continued to type.

"Dude! My paper clips!"

Phil sighed and swiveled his chair around, "What are you talking about?"

Ryan thrust an empty cup into Phil's face, "This was half full of paper clips when I left for lunch! This keeps happening to me! Staples, push pins, the eraser stubs at the end of my pencils! Who would go through the effort of prying out eraser stubs?"

"Look, I've got work to do."

Ryan stormed off. Phil patted his desk drawer filled with Ryan's junk and smiled.

The Man Whose Face Stayed That Way

A piercing scream broke the monotonous drone of the busy city street. More audible gasps and screams soon followed. Women fainted. Children cried. Grown men quaked in fear. So was the daily life of the man whose face "stayed that way."

His mother had always scolded him not to make funny faces. He thought she was being ridiculous, but now he regretted ever having doubted.

One day he had to use his hands to contort his face just so. But upon removing his hands, his face never returned. Things were never the same.

If only he had listened to his mother.

Life on the High Neural Impulse Seas

"The sea's been still for over a fortnight, Cap'n," the helmsman commented.

"Aye, Mr. Axon. Steady as she goes."

No sooner had the captain finished did a call come from the crow's nest, "Brainstorm's a'comin'! Off to starboard!"

"Cap'n, what should we do?" Mr. Axon gulped.

"'Tis a good day to die," smiled Captain Myelinbeard. "All hands on deck! Batten the hatches! Mr. Axon?"

"Aye, Cap'n?"

"Take us into the storm." Myelinbeard breathed in heavy the salt air. "A great many ideas are a'brewin' out there to be caught."

"We may not survive this one."

"The price we pay, Mr. Axon."

Don't Ask Why He's in the Present

"Are you learning to cope with the future? We certainly have a lot of stuff that you didn't have," Timothy Walters said as he prepared breakfast for Sir Gregory of Cornwall.

"It is not as difficult as you might–What devilry is this?" Sir Gregory jumped as the toaster chimed. "The bread you placed into that contraption! It's transubstantiated!"

"Oh, that's a toaster."

Sir Gregory nibbled the toast, "Does it turn bread into this delicious substance by alchemy?"

"No, it just toasts it. We have computers and stuff, and you're just interested in a toaster?"

Sir Gregory was not listening, "Amazing!"

The Death of Ennis

Thirty men retreated to the fortress Karsiv, which translated means "Sanctuary." The Yussin surrounded Karsiv and prepared for siege.

From among the thirty, Ennis spoke, "Forty years has it been since Keifas died and vested his authority in the Knights of Donar. And though I am a scribe and have never held a sword, give one to me now. Let us fight our last battle, and make the last great journey beyond this life."

The men agreed this was good, and attacked the Yussin at Karsiv and fell before them. Thus ended the life of Ennis of Nator, friend of Keifas.

Takin' Out Those Dangerous Herbivores!

My name is Carl Awesome. Long story short: I hunt dinosaurs.

I was rockin' out to some Led Zeppelin and I got so totally pumped! I just had to KILL something, you know what I mean?

So I just run out into the wild with Over the Hills and Far Away running through my head, and I run into this brachiosaurus. It gave me this look as it was chewing its cud, and I just wasn't going to take that! So I scaled its neck like a tree trunk and then snapped it.

Later that evening, we had Brachio-Burgers ala Awesome.

~~~
Other Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter stories

Don't Know What to Title It

"This just in: The FDA has just officially classified water as a carcinogen. We now go live to our correspondent, Jill Offenberger."

"Thanks, John. In a written report just released, the FDA cited a 100% correlation between those who had developed cancer, and those that consume water and/or water by-products."

"This will be startling news to many of our viewers."

"Indeed. The report goes on to cite that given a long enough period of time, all consumers of water will eventually die, whether you develop cancer or not."

"Thanks, Jill. It's good to know our government is looking out for us."

Could You Spare a Few Dollars?

A bum stopped me on the street recently. He was a sorry sight for eyes.

"Let me just put this out in the open," he said to me without any indication that I wanted to talk to him, "I'm an alcoholic. I know I have a problem, and I'm wondering if you can spare a few dollars so I can buy a beer."

"No! I'm not going to aide your addiction!"

"Okay, okay! I'm sorry. Of course. I actually meant I was collecting donations for starving children in Africa. Could you spare a few dollars?"

"Well, if it's for African children. . ."

Dr. Seuss, Eat Your Heart Out

Once upon a time in the land of Floo.
There was a man named Thnickery Bloo.
He had so many things he did not know what to do.
He had troogles and bumfuzzlers, hooplazers and crumb-tosslers.
So many great things that could occupy him for hours.
But he sat on his rump and sighed a great sigh.
"I have so many things," he said, "but I've played with them all."
"I need some new thing with which I can enthrall."
And he moaned and he whined and he stayed all blue.
And so ends the tale of Thnickery Bloo of Floo.

Mobster Jargon

"Louie Fatoni! You said you had a new recruit for us 'reputable businessmen?'" the Don said.

"Yeah, my little brother, Joey 'The Snitch' Fatoni. I believe he will be a valuable asset to our 'enterprise.'"

The Don looked about nervously, "And how did your brother acquire the nickname: 'The Snitch?'"

"Oh, he loves those Harry Potter books."

The Don relaxed a bit, "So it's not because he'll sing or anything?"

"He won't be singing, boss. My little brother can't carry a tune in a bucket."

"No, I'm asking you if he'll snitch."

"Boss, it ain't real. It's just a kid's book."

The Clay Brothers . . . on the Moon!

"Is this your first time visiting the moonbase?"

"Hardly," said a middle-aged Frankie Clay, half of the folksong duo re-invented for the 1970's, The Clay Brothers, "Fifth time."

"No," inserted Rickie Clay, "That time in '73 we only orbited the moon."

"Oh, right."

Agent Jackson stared in disbelief, "Well, it's my first time. . ."

"So what's the situation? Reds? Moonmen? Robot Insurrection?" Rickie asked.

"Weren't you briefed?"

Frankie shrugged, "They all blur together when you've done this as long as we have."

Jackson tried to change the subject, "Don't you guys have a monkey?"

"We don't talk about 'Nam," Rickie said blankly.

~~~
More adventures of The Clay Brothers

Part of a Balanced Breakfast

"I hate breakfast," one of a group of kids sighs as she pokes at her oatmeal.

Suddenly a big cartoon ship crashes into the kitchen!

"Ahoy there, kiddies! Try Admiral Breakfast's Kid Crunch Breakfast Cereal!" Admiral Breakfast announces.

"Crunchatize us, Admiral!" the kids shout in unison. The kids are transformed into the distinctive shapes of Admiral Breakfast's Kid Crunch Breakfast Cereal and are then poured into a bowl.

Admiral Breakfast takes a bite and proclaims, "Mmm! Kidtastic! Part of a balanced breakfast!"

The lights turn back on in a boardroom as the commercial ends.

"Did Admiral Breakfast . . . just eat those kids?"

The No-Vortex Zone with Bill McIrish

"Tonight, I interview one of the blowhards running for President of the Galactic Federation, Jorgan Skithypot. This is the "No-Vortex Zone" on the McIrish Factor!" The show's theme song played leading into the interview.

"Welcome, Space-Representative Skithypot," Bill McIrish was always friendly in the beginning.

"Pleasure to be here," said Skithypot in a tone that revealed quite the opposite.

"Let me get down to titanium bolts: Illegal dimensional immigrants. They're coming in from the theta dimension illegally, hurting the space-folks."

"I–"

"We have to send in the Galactic Guard! I'll let you have the last word."

"Well–"

"You're wrong!"

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

From the Diary of a Yeti Hunter

Day 163:

They all called me crazy when I announced I was going to sell all of my possessions and make an expedition through the Himalayas to search for the elusive yeti. They are all going to eat those words!

. . . soon.

I know I am close! I can feel it. It is true that we ran out of rations almost fifty days ago, and it is true that all my native guides have either deserted or died.

But today I discovered very unusual tracks in the snow. The yeti seems to have taken to wearing boots. Same size as mine. Odd.

The Dark Page

Continued from yesterday's story "A Fateful Suggestion."
~~~

"In a city where evil has a pretty late bedtime," Fred Allen wheezed in his best chain-smoker movie announcer voice, "there is only one man who can put it to sleep!"

From the streets below a strange figure can be seen jumping from rooftop to rooftop, a black cape fluttering behind.

"I am the bat that comes swinging in the night, or perhaps it comes fluttering! You can't really know with homonyms unless you have some contextual clues. Hey, that's pretty good! I am the unknown homonym! Am I the bat, or am I the bat? Both! I am the Batboy!"

~~~
A sketch of Batboy!

A Fateful Suggestion

Dwayne Jackson arrived at the St. Louis Canaries training field having recently signed with the minor league baseball team. However, something seemed amiss.

"Who's that?" Dwayne asked one of the veteran players.

"That's our batboy."

"The overweight middle-aged guy?"

"Fred Allen owns the team–extremely wealthy–but he has a few eccentricities. Obsessive compulsive."

Fred Allen interrupted, "Hello, my good chums! Did you know that 'bat' can refer to this bludgeoning instrument or a flying mammal? Homonyms I hear they're called!"

"You should do something with that," Dwayne offered.

"Maybe I will," Fred said stroking his cleft chin, "Maybe I will."

~~~
This is part one of two of the Batboy saga. Stay tuned tomorrow! Same bat-time! Same bat-blog!

A Modest Proposal

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I would encourage all of my colleagues to give serious consideration to the pending legislation, S523: Engrave the Visage of Senator Evans on the Face of the Moon with a Giant Space Laser Act of 2008. Many have called this bill frivolous and vainglory. Many have accused me of egotism borderlining megalomania. I never once thought of myself while introducing this bill! I only thought of the countless generations of children around the world that will be comforted to sleep by the unending gaze of my face. Think of the children!"

Havlin Morrit -sketch-

A sketch of Havlin Morrit, the main character in "Entrance," and "Escalation."

The Sulk's River of Tears -sketch-

One of Sad Sulk's super-moves: River of Tears. As seen in "Lead Man vs. The Incredible Sulk."

Bradypus: King of the Sloths -sketch-

A sketch of the boy who was raised by sloths from "Bradypus: King of the Sloths."

Eighth Grade Poetry

Some poetry I wrote in eighth grade that I'm only half-embarassed by. Enjoy! :)
~~~

Ocean

As vast as the sky,
And as deep as outer space,
Comprehension fails.

River

The water flows by,
Through the town in the valley,
Raging forever.

Someone

Someone
Looks up at the moon
Somewhere
One night
To wonder why.

Return to Calvary

Did I die a year ago
Or was it yesterday
Anew my life began
On that dreadful day

Memories fade away

Returned to that awful place
For what must I atone
I asked but no reply
I was left alone

Tears dry and disappear

The bloodstains still remain there
Remnants of long ago
Or was it yesterday
I will never know

Wounds given scar and heal

But doubt still lingers on

Midnight Minstrel

Midnight minstrel
Playing a one-note song
Over and over again
All the night long
Rubbing the wings
Or the legs strong
'Til chance a female
Comes along
Captivated by
The insect song