Father Flavian's Discount Icon and Relic Emporium

An unusually loud monk standing outside a nationwide chain store in a television commercial, "Come on down to Father Flavian's Discount Icon and Relic Emporium today! We've got all your articles of questionable religious significance at prices so low, you'd think we were mass producing fraudulent replicas which . . . ha ha . . . of course we're not, cause we're religious! And everyone knows it's impossible for religious people to be evil! We have bones of various saints, splinters of the original cross, holy grails, shrouds with shadowy images, and much much more! Be saved and save at Father Flavian's Discount Icon and Relic Emporium!"

ThirstQuench™

"Jim, pop me over a ThirstQuench™."

"Uh, okay," Jim tosses over Lance a ThirstQuech™.

Lance takes the bottle and takes a dramatic swig. "Ahh! ThirstQuench™! ThirstQuench™ the Thirst!®"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just quenching my mega-thirst with ThirstQuench™!"

"You sound like an advertisement."

"Jim, don't you like ThirstQuench™, the drink that packs a punch to your thirst . . . and quenches it?"

"You're making a scene and you're embarrassing me!"

"Dude, if quenching my thirst with the thirst-quenchable taste of ThirstQuench™ makes a scene, then people will just have to deal!"

"How much did they pay you to do this?"

"Fifty bucks."

Side Effects May Include Delirium

"Forgive me, Lipitor, for I have sinned against thee. I have partaken in food that I knew would raise my bad cholesterol. The temptation was just too great for me. But, O Great Lipitor, if thou art designed to lower my cholesterol, then why must I still be bound to this restrictive diet? Hast thou not lowered my cholesterol already? Dost thou not care that I suffer daily as I watch everyone around me eat whatever they wish? Should I not be allowed an indulgence here and there? Couldst thou just look the other way, if thou knowst whatst I'm sayingst?"

Because When I Want Medical Advice, I Want Someone Who Can Only Understand Medicine in Relation to Their Own Line of Work

"My name is Earl Studebaker, and I am a construction worker on some of the world's largest skyscrapers. I know about taking small things, like blueprints, and making them bigger things, like really big skyscrapers. So when my doctor told me that I had an enlarged prostate, I asked him, 'How are we going to make it bigger?'

"'You don't understand,' he said, 'It's not supposed to be enlarged. That is why you need to take a drug to shrink it.'

"'But,' I stammered, 'I don't know how to make things small! How can I trust you?'

"'Because I'm a doctor.'"

Part of a Balanced Breakfast

"I hate breakfast," one of a group of kids sighs as she pokes at her oatmeal.

Suddenly a big cartoon ship crashes into the kitchen!

"Ahoy there, kiddies! Try Admiral Breakfast's Kid Crunch Breakfast Cereal!" Admiral Breakfast announces.

"Crunchatize us, Admiral!" the kids shout in unison. The kids are transformed into the distinctive shapes of Admiral Breakfast's Kid Crunch Breakfast Cereal and are then poured into a bowl.

Admiral Breakfast takes a bite and proclaims, "Mmm! Kidtastic! Part of a balanced breakfast!"

The lights turn back on in a boardroom as the commercial ends.

"Did Admiral Breakfast . . . just eat those kids?"