Saving Money

"I can't believe the prices of these groceries!" Ben told his wife, Lisa, as they purveyed the dairy aisle. "It's highway robbery except it's a grocery store . . . and also I'm still purchasing something, but you know what I'm getting at."

Lisa grabbed a carton of half and half from the cooler.

"Three bucks for some half and half?" Ben exclaimed.

"But I like some with my coffee."

"They give away spurts of half and half at the coffee machine in the gas station down the street. Just fill up a coffee cup and put a lid on it. They'll never know."

Memories Only Die When New Ones Are Not Made

He stopped and turned. The city he had lived in his entire life was soon going to slip over the horizon, perhaps never to be seen again. A sigh escaped his lips as joyful memories flooded his mind. There was still time to turn back. But for what? Memories?

He turned back toward the new horizon. There lay countless new possibilities free from the disappointments of yesteryear. On that horizon lay hope; lay life anew. To stay behind for memory's sake would be to abandon what made those memories so meaningful.

The city sank into the horizon with the setting sun.

A New Galactic Federation President

B'jnktl the news alien wiped a tear from one of his seven eyes. "Ladies, gentlemen and gleeborts, we have just witnessed history in the making! The Galactic Federation has broken down yet another barrier of prejudice by electing for the first time someone named Vithor Lovenstein to the office of president! Truly this is a remarkable advancement in the civil rights of people named Vithor Lovenstein."

CoventionalThinkingBot5000, GNN's chief political analyst, broke in as B'jnktl's voice began to falter from the enormity of the moment, "This is comparable to the election of Q*bert Johnson, the first president with a ridiculous-name-even-by-galactic-federation-standards name."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Past His Prime

"Greetings, Lead Man," the voice of Count Von Mürder crackled over the 1960's-era intercom system, "I congratulate you for finding my Mürder Cave–" the intercom hissed over the monologue.

Lead Man took the opportunity to examine his surroundings. Count Von Mürder apparently did not have a lot of success after the 70's. His lair was more a museum of antique supervillainy.

The intercom squealed and returned to audibility, "–never calls. My son legally changed his name to 'Von Maur;' told me 'Mürder' wasn't even actual German–"

Lead Man sighed. He was going to be here for a while.

~~~
More adventures of the Impregnable Lead Man

Philip and Percival

"This is most unacceptable, Philip," Percival muttered as he looked over Philip's history homework. "Most unacceptable," he repeated for emphasis.

"What's wrong?" Philip asked his smarter-than-average pet hamster.

"For starters," Percival adjusted his glasses, "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson was most definitely not the first president, and his vice president was not Kermit the Frog."

"Oh, Percival, how will I pass tomorrow's test if I don't know the answers?"

"You could study."

"Meh," Philip shrugged.

Percival pondered a moment. "I've got it! I shall attach myself to your face as a clever beard disguise so that I can give you the answers!"

Rain

Rain, rain, don't go away.
Please stay around for today.
My body is weak, and my soul is dry.
It's time for someone else to cry.
Take my bruised and battered soul;
Wash it, cleanse it, make it whole.
Rain, rain, wash me away.
Carry me off to a brighter day;
To the sea where troubles are no more.
Take me to that distant shore.
The sun rises where sky and sea collide,
And on that horizon I will hide.
Rain, rain, don't go away.
Please stay around for today.

Just in Case You Didn't Get It the First Time

"Let me get this straight, Ms. Reid. You are being hunted by a robot that looks and sounds like an Austrian bodybuilder–"

"–From the future," injected Julie.

"Yes, of course. And this robot–"

"–From the future–"

"–was sent back because your son is the future leader of the human resistance. And your son sent back a soldier–"

"–From the future–"

"–to protect you, and ended up being the father of your son, resulting in a time-looping paradox. Is that correct?"

Julie leaned in uncomfortably close, "From the future!" she whispered loudly.

The Search for the Fountain of Youth

"Amigos, we have almost found the fabled Fountain of Youth. I can feel it," Juan Ponce de León said with as much enthusiasm as he had when they had started their search through Florida.

"You always say that," said Francisco, "What makes you so sure this time?"

"Look at these banana trees. These bananas are much smaller than regular bananas. You could almost say they were . . . baby bananas! We are close, muchachos!"

"These may simply be a smaller variety of banana. I doubt it indicates 'youthfulness,'" said Sanchez.

"And what about this alligator . . . in a diaper?"

"You dressed it that way!"

The Hypocrisy of Peace Protests

Thousands of protesters had gathered. Perhaps with enough people protesting, the leaders of the world would finally acknowledge that war never solved anything.

As they made their way down Main Street, someone began chanting, "Love your fellow man," and the thousands soon followed. None seemed to think that the hundreds of signs comparing Bush to Hitler violated the maxim they shouted. No. He was not worthy of love.

The police began to disperse the crowds. This protest was too important to allow that to happen. The protesters lashed out in righteous anger against the riot police in the name of peace.

Ice Cream Inflation

The first two measures of The Entertainer played on a continual loop attracting kids from far and wide.

"Sorry kids, but with rising gasoline and food prices, we've had to slightly raise our prices," the ice cream truck driver explained, "The Choco-pops literally cost an arm and a leg. Rainbow Rockets cost a single flower: the White Morning Flower, which blooms once every fifteen years and only on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro."

"I only have a nickel," said Andy.

"Well, we do have the Vanilla Cone . . . provided your nickel is a 1913 Liberty Head nickel, valued five million US dollars."