Hillbilly Politics

"'Ey, Cletus?"

"Yeah, Jim Bob?"

"Ya ever think tha fed'r'l guvament has too much power?"

"Sometimes."

"I hear Jethro talkin' 'bout how we's shouldn' have tack-shay-shun without rep-re-say-shun."

"But we have rep-re-say-shun, Jim Bob."

"Naugh after I refused ta respond ta tha sin-suhs."

"Now why ya do that, Jim Bob?"

"It hain't what tha foundin' fathers intended, I hear Jethro say."

"So Jethro says tha foundin' fathers hain't intended the sin-suhs to ah-pro-pree-payt rep-re-say-shun in ta Congriss?"

"Accordin' ta Jethro, Cletus."

"Then why they write it in tha Con-stitch-tu-shun, Jim Bob?"

"Huh. Ha'n't thought o' that, Cletus."

"Surely naugh, Jim Bob."

~~~
More discussions between Jim Bob an' Cletus

King of the Hobos

In certain societies it is considered a good thing to be crazy. There they make you king, though, being crazy, it is hard to imagine that you would understand or appreciate such coronation.

Insanity is seen as the purest form of communication with the gods. If the gods are beyond human limits and comprehension, the thinking goes, then those who have left behind lucidity must have special communion with the divine.

That is how the king of the hobos is selected. The craziest, most insane vagrant is selected by the most demented process known to man (hobo or otherwise): Democratic election.

Historic Legislation

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I wish to congratulate my fellow senators on the spectacular undertaking we accomplished earlier today. We answered the call of history as so many generations of Americans have before us. When faced with crisis, we did not shrink from our challenge – we overcame it. We did not avoid our responsibility – we embraced it. We did not fear our future – we shaped it. We finally passed S3133: Someone Please Name a Highway after Senator Evans So He'll Shut Up Already and Do Some Work for a Change Act of 2010. Thank you!"

~~~
With thanks to President Obama for supplying part of the text.

More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

Future History

In the city that never sleeps, the police force could not afford rest either. In the year 2022, the first robotic officers were inducted into the NYPD. They were little more than self-operating computers going through case files then. The first robot was placed on the beat in 2045, and by 2062 the entire NYPD was comprised of machine (except for the commissioner whose role was now more network administrator than anything).

If there's one thing computers like it's efficiency, and humans are not very efficient, even when it comes to crime. It wasn't long before robots took that over, too.

The Arrowhead Non-Proliferation Treaty

"The Choctaw must abide by the Arrowhead Non-Proliferation Treaty and allow weapons inspectors unfettered access to your reserves," Opothleyahola of the Muscogee declares.

"Our reserves are for peaceful purposes" counters Pushmataha of the Choctaw, "Winter is soon upon us. We need the arrowheads to hunt the mighty deer."

"If your intentions are peaceful, then why deny the inspectors of the IAEA (Intertribal Arrowhead Endowment Agency) access?"

Pushmataha uneasily concedes, "We will allow inspectors access in two weeks provided they do not disturb our sacred burial mounds."

"So you can hide your stockpiles?" Opothleyahola yells.

Pushmataha feigns outrage at such an accusation.

The Obstruction Party: The Party of Ideas

"The Galactic Federation is expecting us to move forward on Universal Health Care, and that is what my administration will do. We have incorporated ideas from all fifty-seven major political parties. This is a quinquageseptpartisan bill, and we will pass it even if we have to go through the Amalgamation Process to push it through."

"That was President Lovenstein earlier today," says B'jnktl the news alien, "We are joined now by Obstruction Party Chairman Betelgeuse Titanium."

"We oppose the President, and he cannot say that he has quinquageseptpartisan support!"

"But the Obstruction Party opposes everything all the time," B'jnktl says.

"Precisely!"

~~~
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Thanksgetting Day

The Galactic Federation President's mansion, known as the White Dwarf House, was filled with boys and girls and yerlaks of all ages waiting for the annual pardoning of the turkey.

President Lovenstein stood austere in front of the young exuberant crowd as the soon-to-be pardonee was marched out in chains.

Kemal Atatürk, giant space-turkey of the Gamma Gobble Gobble Star System, had been convicted with twenty-three counts of murder and was sitting on Space-Death Row.

"On Thanksgetting Day," Lovenstein said, "where we reflect on how thankful we are for all the things we get, we release a mass-murderer for some reason."

~~~
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Eric's Journey of Enlightenment: Ask a President

"What is the secret to success?" I asked the President of the United States.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"It's not important," I said, "but I need to know the secret to success, and any other wisdom you might be willing to bequeath to me."

"No," the president corrected me, "it is quite important. See, you're not supposed to be able to get into my bedroom at three in the morning."

"Look," I said fairly irritated, "I don't have time for your politically correct non-answers. I'm on a journey for enlightenment and—"

That's when Secret Service tased me.

Why Let Governor Sanford Have All the Fun?

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I have had a long and celebrated career serving the people of Pennsylvania, but I would be remiss if I did not address the grievous injustice I have been forced to deal with for its entirety. I ask you: Where are my beautiful South American mistresses? Too long have I been forced to live a strictly monogamous lifestyle. I'm a politician for goodness sake! That is why I implore you to support S2577: Introduce Senator Evans to a Smoking Hot Babe (But Nobody Tell Mrs. Evans) Act of 2009. Thank you."

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

Wishful Awarding

"The Space-Nobel Committee, named after Alfred Space-Nobel, inventor of the hyper-death-stick, has named this standard star-orbit-revolution-unit's winner of the Space-Nobel Peace Prize," said news-alien B'jnktl, "and it's Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein. We turn to Snorri Sturluson, chair of the Space-Nobel Committee."

"Thunk yuoo fur hefeeng me-a."

"Mr. Sturluson, by every measure, President Lovenstein has yet to have any meaningful impact on anything."

"Ve-a everded Lufensteeen fur hees ixtreurdeenery iffffurts to strengzeen intergelecteec deeplumecy und cuupereshun betveen peuples."

"Even though there has been no substantive change between his policies and his predecessor, Google-Bronx?"

"Thet's reeght. He-a joost mekes us feel guud."

~~~
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Before a Joint Session of Space-Congress

Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein stood before the joint session of Space-Congress to make his case for Universal Health Care.

"I have provided a simple 1,265,777,879,632 step plan that guarantees health coverage for all Galactic Federation citizens (as well as certain sentient trees and large bushes). This plan will not cover illegal dimensional immigrants—"

"Liar!" yelled Space-Representative Yancy Gothman (Asteroidican-SX). "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!"

"Look," Lovenstein rebutted, "My pants are clearly not on fire. You're the liar."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes-huh!"

"I am rubber, you are super-space-adhesive! Whatever you say bounces off me and permanently adheres to your surface!"

Lovenstein growled.

~~~
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Space Health Care

"Lovenstein's health care plan is a sham!" the voluptuous Babe-mo-Tron™ says to a crowd of spacebillies. "He wants Death Panels to determine life-or-death-or-some-state-inbetween-where-you-wish-for-death-but-it-will-never-come decisions instead of who should be making those decisions: the SHMOs!" The clip ends.

B'jnktl the news-alien continues his story, "Later, President Lovenstein had this to say."

"Nowhere will you find the term 'Death Panel.' We're calling for 'Life Panels' to simply determine if you are worthy of life. It's an important difference."

"And more confrontations erupt in Space Station Hall Meetings around federation," B'jnktl sets up the next clip.

"I was told to yell so I am!"

~~~
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Dontchaknow?

"We interrupt Jon and Zxrrgl Plus Eight Billion to bring you breaking news from the ice planet Roasth," B'jnktl the news-alien said, "Space-Governor and former vice presidential candidate Babe-mo-Tron™ has just announced a surprise resignation. We now go live to Roasth where the space-governor has just taken the podium."

"Hey, Roasth. I've decided to step down as space-governor cause bein' a lame space-duck just ain't cute, dontchaknow? Now the Spacestream Media will undoubtedly spin this as me not knowing what with what I'm saying goodbye!"

"Her builders should've installed more RAM while they were buffing out her sensuous curves," B'jnktl remarked.

~~~
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Conspiracy Theories in Space

Bill McIrish glowered, but that was normal, "Questions continue to be raised concerning Vithor Lovenstein's legal status and qualifications to be president. I'm joined by attention-loving-conspiracy-theorist Cletus Barycenter. Explain for the space-folks the problem exactly."

"We simply don't know anything about Lovenstein. Is he a Body-Snatcher from the Nega-Zone? Did he travel here from the future and use his future knowledge of his own election victory to win the election? Without a space-birth certificate, we simply don't know!"

"To be fair, Lovenstein's released numerous documents refuting these accusations."

"What's he hiding? He's going through incredible lengths to counter these ridiculous allegations!"

~~~
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Galactic Arbiter

"—and that's why we need universal health care coverage, because if the universe gets sick, we all suffer, being within the universe," Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein finished his talking points at the Space Press Conference. "Questions? Karl Jibberjabber, GPR?"

"Mr. President, Galactic Federation citizens Über Johnson and Forthright Forthrite are having a dispute over space-hedge clippers allegedly lent with ever being returned. What are you going to do about this dispute?"

"Obviously, Mr. Forthrite is in the wrong. His complaint is silly; also he should consider trimming his nose hairs once in a while. Can anyone say, 'Yuck?' Next question?"

~~~
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Economic Stimulus

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. My fellow Senators, America is hurting during this economic crisis. I am sure you have heard countless heart-wrenching stories from your constituents. I have heard many from my own constituents of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. No one understands these economic difficulties more than I. That is why I urge my fellow Senators to pass S1737: Somebody Please Lend Senator Evans Twenty Bucks Because He'd Like To Go Out To Eat Tonight Which Will Stimulate The Local Economy, Plus You Know He'll Be Good For It Act of 2009. Thank you."

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

Another Modest Proposal

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I come before my colleagues of the United States Senate to humbly ask for your forgiveness. Yesterday I introduced S1367: Annex Canada and Call It 'America, Jr.' Act of 2009 to great hoopla. Some said it was 'crazy' or 'insane' or 'illegal under international law.' I now wish to apologize to my critics. That's right. I wish to apologize. I apologize for being a visionary! I ask to be forgiven for being the only Senator courageous enough to introduce this essential piece of legislation! You all should be ashamed of yourselves!"

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

Space-Diplomacy

Vithor Lovenstein kicked off his first official visit to the Hyper-Insect Space Colonies as Galactic Federation President by speaking at Hyper-Insect Space Colony University (HISCU). President Lovenstein came to respond to the Hyper-Insects occasional tendency to invade and overrun a planet here or there.

"I appreciate the opportunity to speak directly to the Hyper-Insect Hive Mind this space-afternoon," Lovenstein began, "There has been much tension between our two great space-nations, and I believe that's mainly due to our misunderstandings. We see you as horrible space-monsters, and you see us as lunch, but that doesn't mean we can't find areas of agreement."

~~~
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A New Galactic Federation President

B'jnktl the news alien wiped a tear from one of his seven eyes. "Ladies, gentlemen and gleeborts, we have just witnessed history in the making! The Galactic Federation has broken down yet another barrier of prejudice by electing for the first time someone named Vithor Lovenstein to the office of president! Truly this is a remarkable advancement in the civil rights of people named Vithor Lovenstein."

CoventionalThinkingBot5000, GNN's chief political analyst, broke in as B'jnktl's voice began to falter from the enormity of the moment, "This is comparable to the election of Q*bert Johnson, the first president with a ridiculous-name-even-by-galactic-federation-standards name."

~~~
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More Breaking News

B'jnktl the news-alien broke into programming, "Joke-candidate Jorgan Skithypot has rocketed ahead in the polls after news of his pick for vice president. We turn now to GNN political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000."

"Skithypot has had a tremendous 30 point jump after naming Babe-mo-Tron™ as his running mate. We polled new Skithypot supporters, and they all said they support Babe-mo-Tron™ because she has 'a great personality,' but when analyzed under a mind-reader-beam they all support her because she is quote: 'a total babe.'"

"Google-Bronx's vice president and Space-Nobel Peace Prize winner Theodore Franton just doesn't seem all that qualified now."

"Very true, B'jnktl."

~~~
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