Accusations in Space

"The Galactic Federation is doomed, people!" said Ben Gleck, opinion show host on FAUX News, "Or it will be, if President Lovenstein gets his way. Why is Lovenstein not answering the people (and by the people, I mean me)? He won't respond to allegations that he's a child-murderer! Is he a child-murderer? I don't know. I do know that he hasn't not said he's not a child-murderer!" Ben began to choke up, "You see these tears? You see how much I care? No ulterior motive here! Just old fashioned patriotism. Show your patriotism by buying my new book (only 29.95 space-dollars)!"

~~~
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Wishful Awarding

"The Space-Nobel Committee, named after Alfred Space-Nobel, inventor of the hyper-death-stick, has named this standard star-orbit-revolution-unit's winner of the Space-Nobel Peace Prize," said news-alien B'jnktl, "and it's Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein. We turn to Snorri Sturluson, chair of the Space-Nobel Committee."

"Thunk yuoo fur hefeeng me-a."

"Mr. Sturluson, by every measure, President Lovenstein has yet to have any meaningful impact on anything."

"Ve-a everded Lufensteeen fur hees ixtreurdeenery iffffurts to strengzeen intergelecteec deeplumecy und cuupereshun betveen peuples."

"Even though there has been no substantive change between his policies and his predecessor, Google-Bronx?"

"Thet's reeght. He-a joost mekes us feel guud."

~~~
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Before a Joint Session of Space-Congress

Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein stood before the joint session of Space-Congress to make his case for Universal Health Care.

"I have provided a simple 1,265,777,879,632 step plan that guarantees health coverage for all Galactic Federation citizens (as well as certain sentient trees and large bushes). This plan will not cover illegal dimensional immigrants—"

"Liar!" yelled Space-Representative Yancy Gothman (Asteroidican-SX). "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!"

"Look," Lovenstein rebutted, "My pants are clearly not on fire. You're the liar."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes-huh!"

"I am rubber, you are super-space-adhesive! Whatever you say bounces off me and permanently adheres to your surface!"

Lovenstein growled.

~~~
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Space Health Care

"Lovenstein's health care plan is a sham!" the voluptuous Babe-mo-Tron™ says to a crowd of spacebillies. "He wants Death Panels to determine life-or-death-or-some-state-inbetween-where-you-wish-for-death-but-it-will-never-come decisions instead of who should be making those decisions: the SHMOs!" The clip ends.

B'jnktl the news-alien continues his story, "Later, President Lovenstein had this to say."

"Nowhere will you find the term 'Death Panel.' We're calling for 'Life Panels' to simply determine if you are worthy of life. It's an important difference."

"And more confrontations erupt in Space Station Hall Meetings around federation," B'jnktl sets up the next clip.

"I was told to yell so I am!"

~~~
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Dontchaknow?

"We interrupt Jon and Zxrrgl Plus Eight Billion to bring you breaking news from the ice planet Roasth," B'jnktl the news-alien said, "Space-Governor and former vice presidential candidate Babe-mo-Tron™ has just announced a surprise resignation. We now go live to Roasth where the space-governor has just taken the podium."

"Hey, Roasth. I've decided to step down as space-governor cause bein' a lame space-duck just ain't cute, dontchaknow? Now the Spacestream Media will undoubtedly spin this as me not knowing what with what I'm saying goodbye!"

"Her builders should've installed more RAM while they were buffing out her sensuous curves," B'jnktl remarked.

~~~
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Conspiracy Theories in Space

Bill McIrish glowered, but that was normal, "Questions continue to be raised concerning Vithor Lovenstein's legal status and qualifications to be president. I'm joined by attention-loving-conspiracy-theorist Cletus Barycenter. Explain for the space-folks the problem exactly."

"We simply don't know anything about Lovenstein. Is he a Body-Snatcher from the Nega-Zone? Did he travel here from the future and use his future knowledge of his own election victory to win the election? Without a space-birth certificate, we simply don't know!"

"To be fair, Lovenstein's released numerous documents refuting these accusations."

"What's he hiding? He's going through incredible lengths to counter these ridiculous allegations!"

~~~
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Galactic Arbiter

"—and that's why we need universal health care coverage, because if the universe gets sick, we all suffer, being within the universe," Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein finished his talking points at the Space Press Conference. "Questions? Karl Jibberjabber, GPR?"

"Mr. President, Galactic Federation citizens Über Johnson and Forthright Forthrite are having a dispute over space-hedge clippers allegedly lent with ever being returned. What are you going to do about this dispute?"

"Obviously, Mr. Forthrite is in the wrong. His complaint is silly; also he should consider trimming his nose hairs once in a while. Can anyone say, 'Yuck?' Next question?"

~~~
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Vacuum Invasion

We should have taken their warnings more seriously when we still had the chance. The hubris we displayed for so many years! All the while our destruction was under our noses waiting for the perfect time to strike. They tried to warn us.

They say dog is man's best friend, and it is absolutely true, or was true until dogs became an extinct species. They were the first to go, because they knew. We let the alien invaders into our homes thinking them to be mere appliances to remove dirt from our carpets. Our dogs knew better. We should have listened.

The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley- Part 3

Continued from "The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley" and "The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley- Part 2."
~~~

Shamrock O'Malley had curled up in a corner of Professor Montgomery's office and began muttering to himself. Montgomery and I both stood watching him in utter befuddlement.

"I'm a doctor," I said, "but I'm not trained in diagnosing mental disorders."

"I do not have a mental disorder!" Shamrock declared.

"Come now," I said, "All your explanations are ridiculous: Space aliens, sasquatches, pirates—"

"The pirate was real!"

"Granted. But now a giant-space-laser controlled by a Professor of Rainy-Day Activities?"

I could not continue my thought, because at that moment Professor Montgomery began to laugh a laugh that chilled to the bone.

To be continued . . .

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Space-Diplomacy

Vithor Lovenstein kicked off his first official visit to the Hyper-Insect Space Colonies as Galactic Federation President by speaking at Hyper-Insect Space Colony University (HISCU). President Lovenstein came to respond to the Hyper-Insects occasional tendency to invade and overrun a planet here or there.

"I appreciate the opportunity to speak directly to the Hyper-Insect Hive Mind this space-afternoon," Lovenstein began, "There has been much tension between our two great space-nations, and I believe that's mainly due to our misunderstandings. We see you as horrible space-monsters, and you see us as lunch, but that doesn't mean we can't find areas of agreement."

~~~
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A New Galactic Federation President

B'jnktl the news alien wiped a tear from one of his seven eyes. "Ladies, gentlemen and gleeborts, we have just witnessed history in the making! The Galactic Federation has broken down yet another barrier of prejudice by electing for the first time someone named Vithor Lovenstein to the office of president! Truly this is a remarkable advancement in the civil rights of people named Vithor Lovenstein."

CoventionalThinkingBot5000, GNN's chief political analyst, broke in as B'jnktl's voice began to falter from the enormity of the moment, "This is comparable to the election of Q*bert Johnson, the first president with a ridiculous-name-even-by-galactic-federation-standards name."

~~~
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More Breaking News

B'jnktl the news-alien broke into programming, "Joke-candidate Jorgan Skithypot has rocketed ahead in the polls after news of his pick for vice president. We turn now to GNN political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000."

"Skithypot has had a tremendous 30 point jump after naming Babe-mo-Tron™ as his running mate. We polled new Skithypot supporters, and they all said they support Babe-mo-Tron™ because she has 'a great personality,' but when analyzed under a mind-reader-beam they all support her because she is quote: 'a total babe.'"

"Google-Bronx's vice president and Space-Nobel Peace Prize winner Theodore Franton just doesn't seem all that qualified now."

"Very true, B'jnktl."

~~~
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Lovenstein's Running Mate

"We interrupt Monday Night Space-Ape Fights for this breaking news," B'jnktl the news-alien announced, "Galactic presidential contender Vithor Lovenstein has announced Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 as his running mate. We turn now to political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000. It's surprising that Lovenstein chose a non-sentient software program as a vice presidential nominee."

"Not really. Polls showed potential voters saw Lovenstein as less intelligent than his opponents, so the choice of Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 was really a no-brainer."

"Lovenstein's opponents have criticized the pick, though."

"Certainly. President Google-Bronx said Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 may be intelligent, but cannot sympathize with the average voter."

~~~
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Alvin the Alien

Hirglaz sighed as another human came up to the Occupation Complaints Bureau desk. The placard read "Alvin." Leadership up top said that humans were 7.3 percent more willing to cooperate with Earth's conquerors if they took human names.

"Yes?" Hirglaz said to the ugly human (in truth, all humans were ugly).

"Well, Mister Alvin, the Torizzian deathships that enforce the sunset human curfew make this humming noise, and it keeps me up at night."

"And what do you want me to do?"

"Well, I was hoping all you aliens might just leave Earth, maybe?"

"No."

"Well, it was worth a try."

Conspiracy Nut

The man on the TV keeps saying that it's safe to go outside, but I just can't believe him. His hair is just too good-looking. It could only have been done by alien invaders . . . or ChiComs. Either one is equally as bad, so I'll just stay inside. Obviously, if aliens or Chinese people invaded, they could not get to me at all. I double-locked the front door.

The TV has moved on to a segment about a presidential visit to Africa. Fools. Don't they know that that is a clever clone and/or robot duplicate? Why can nobody see this except me?

The Clay Brothers . . . on the Moon!

"Is this your first time visiting the moonbase?"

"Hardly," said a middle-aged Frankie Clay, half of the folksong duo re-invented for the 1970's, The Clay Brothers, "Fifth time."

"No," inserted Rickie Clay, "That time in '73 we only orbited the moon."

"Oh, right."

Agent Jackson stared in disbelief, "Well, it's my first time. . ."

"So what's the situation? Reds? Moonmen? Robot Insurrection?" Rickie asked.

"Weren't you briefed?"

Frankie shrugged, "They all blur together when you've done this as long as we have."

Jackson tried to change the subject, "Don't you guys have a monkey?"

"We don't talk about 'Nam," Rickie said blankly.

~~~
More adventures of The Clay Brothers

The No-Vortex Zone with Bill McIrish

"Tonight, I interview one of the blowhards running for President of the Galactic Federation, Jorgan Skithypot. This is the "No-Vortex Zone" on the McIrish Factor!" The show's theme song played leading into the interview.

"Welcome, Space-Representative Skithypot," Bill McIrish was always friendly in the beginning.

"Pleasure to be here," said Skithypot in a tone that revealed quite the opposite.

"Let me get down to titanium bolts: Illegal dimensional immigrants. They're coming in from the theta dimension illegally, hurting the space-folks."

"I–"

"We have to send in the Galactic Guard! I'll let you have the last word."

"Well–"

"You're wrong!"

~~~
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Feel the Lovenstein

A visage of Space-Senator Vithor Lovenstein and the slogan "Feel the Lovenstein" was hung behind a podium. An enthusiastic crowd cheered as he approached the podium.

"I know that many of you have traveled a long distance to be here. I also know that it's a financial strain as dark matter prices have hit record levels. Some say that things like 'supply' and 'demand' and 'economics' hold the answers. Those are failed policies of the past which depended on 'science' and 'facts.' We need to instead let our emotions and feelings be our guide. Feel the Lovenstein!"

The crowd went wild.

~~~
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The Case of the Clueless Detective

Before Shamrock O'Malley and I lay a man, Mr. Jacob Hathaway, dead in the middle of his study. He had been stabbed in the small of the back with an intricately carved knife of Oriental origin. However, he had been found with all the doors and windows of the study locked from the inside. How could a murder take place within a locked room?

"I'm certainly confounded," I confessed.

"It's elementary, my dear Walton."

"Go on then, Shamrock."

"Space aliens did this. Yes. Space aliens and magic."

I later heard that some upstart from Baker Street actually did solve the case.

The Space-Debates

"We turn now to politics," said B'jnktl the news-alien, "Since the Superior Space-Court ruled the use of compulsory-brain-implant-obedience-chip's illegal in campaigns, President Zoron Google-Bronx has had to wage a more traditional campaign against rivals Vithor Lovenstein and Jorgan Skithypot.

"A more traditional campaign means the presidential space-debates begin tonight. Now merely a formality, the debates are derived from ultra-ancient history when candidates would display their leading prowess in a submission-rules steel-cage wrestling match.

"Vithor Lovenstein had this to say:"

"Google-Bronx, I will break every bone in your body until you cry 'space-uncle!'"

B'jnktl added, "Of course, the traditional locker-room pre-debate banter."

~~~
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