Future History

In the city that never sleeps, the police force could not afford rest either. In the year 2022, the first robotic officers were inducted into the NYPD. They were little more than self-operating computers going through case files then. The first robot was placed on the beat in 2045, and by 2062 the entire NYPD was comprised of machine (except for the commissioner whose role was now more network administrator than anything).

If there's one thing computers like it's efficiency, and humans are not very efficient, even when it comes to crime. It wasn't long before robots took that over, too.

The Return of the Vam-Bot-Pire

The evening fog pours into the room from the now open window. A figure enters, cold and mechanical.

The cold night air jolts Katherine awake. Seeing the boxy mechanical man in a black cape standing over her, she reaches for the stake on her nightstand and jams it into the beast's chest, but to no avail.

"I AM IMPERVIOUS TO STAKES, GARLIC, SUNLIGHT," the vam-bot-pire states, "TRULY, I AM THE PERFECT MONSTER."

Thinking quickly Katherine grabs a pitcher of water, also on her nightstand, and casts it onto the creature.

"WATER! MY ONE WEAKNESS! ALSO COMPUTER VIRUSES!" The vam-bot-pire shorts out.

The Expungicator

"But Mom, she said that if we don't follow her then we'll have to face a post-apocalyptic nightmare-ish world where I'm fighting robots for survival."

"It," said Julie.

"What?"

"It's a robot. It just looks like a she, but it's an it," Julie said in a stoic manner looking off into a random corner of the room, "and don't you forget it."

"But Mom," Harry seemed to start most all of his sentences with those two words these days, "I sent her—sorry, it—from the future back to help us."

"It's still an Expungicator and can't be trusted!"

"But Mom . . ."

~~~
More from Expungicator: The Julie Reid Chronicles

The Case of Doctor Walton

Three years had passed since untimely end of my friend Shamrock O'Malley. Even with the passage of time, the void that he left could not be filled.

I had misplaced my favorite bowler, and it occurred to me Shamrock would have implicated elves or mechanical rats powered by steam or some such nonsense. The thought of Shamrock's profound propensity to come up with the most convoluted explanations for the simplest of problems made me smile.

I visited Shamrock's grave that day. Emotions welled up in me and I fell to my knees.

"I say, my dear Walton, what are you doing?"

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Space Health Care

"Lovenstein's health care plan is a sham!" the voluptuous Babe-mo-Tron™ says to a crowd of spacebillies. "He wants Death Panels to determine life-or-death-or-some-state-inbetween-where-you-wish-for-death-but-it-will-never-come decisions instead of who should be making those decisions: the SHMOs!" The clip ends.

B'jnktl the news-alien continues his story, "Later, President Lovenstein had this to say."

"Nowhere will you find the term 'Death Panel.' We're calling for 'Life Panels' to simply determine if you are worthy of life. It's an important difference."

"And more confrontations erupt in Space Station Hall Meetings around federation," B'jnktl sets up the next clip.

"I was told to yell so I am!"

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Dontchaknow?

"We interrupt Jon and Zxrrgl Plus Eight Billion to bring you breaking news from the ice planet Roasth," B'jnktl the news-alien said, "Space-Governor and former vice presidential candidate Babe-mo-Tron™ has just announced a surprise resignation. We now go live to Roasth where the space-governor has just taken the podium."

"Hey, Roasth. I've decided to step down as space-governor cause bein' a lame space-duck just ain't cute, dontchaknow? Now the Spacestream Media will undoubtedly spin this as me not knowing what with what I'm saying goodbye!"

"Her builders should've installed more RAM while they were buffing out her sensuous curves," B'jnktl remarked.

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

One Sentence Story Collection V

"I'm sorry Mrs. Jablonski, but your robot's got severe rust-itis and will have to be shut down . . . permanently," the robo-mechanic said.

Like clockwork, the clock worked.

After losing my third finger, I thought maybe I should have looked at those instructions after all.

Coach Vaughn aligned the metal bat with the kneecap, "You're just going to have to take one for the team, Johnny."

Lawnba

"Hey, Steve, what's that thing moving around on your lawn?"

"Oh, that's my Lawnba."

"Lawnba?"

"Yeah, it's like a Roomba, you know, one of those self-propelled robotic vacuum cleaners. The Lawnba is like that, except it's for your lawn."

"Are you comfortable with that?"

"With what?"

"Well, with giving a robot something dangerous like sharp blades. Sure, a robot vacuum might not be all that dangerous, but what happens when the robots rebel and your Lawnba uses its sharp blades on you instead of the grass?"

"That's what a sledgehammer is for, Bob."

"Yeah. Before you gave it to the Sledgebot!"

One Sentence Story Collection II

I have begun using my Twitter account (found at http://twitter.com/briefconceits) to post one sentence stories, which is actually something I started this blog off with all the way back in April of last year. So I decided to catalogue my one sentence stories that I post on Twitter up here as well. So follow me on Twitter if you want to get these before everyone else! (Tantalizing!)

RXF77-9T had finally felt the emotion that had surprisingly become rather common among the robots of the future; RXF77-9T knew love.

As unspeakable evils spewed forth from the dimensional rift, Dr. Edward Samburg realized this might stymie his chances at a Nobel Prize.

A red cape with an 'S' will turn even the smallest boy into a mighty superhero.

The bag of coffee grounds was empty this morning, heralding the day my coffee addiction would finally kill me and everyone I loved.

A hauntingly beautiful song echoed through the still night air, and the children obediently heeded its call, marching to the cemetery.

A New Galactic Federation President

B'jnktl the news alien wiped a tear from one of his seven eyes. "Ladies, gentlemen and gleeborts, we have just witnessed history in the making! The Galactic Federation has broken down yet another barrier of prejudice by electing for the first time someone named Vithor Lovenstein to the office of president! Truly this is a remarkable advancement in the civil rights of people named Vithor Lovenstein."

CoventionalThinkingBot5000, GNN's chief political analyst, broke in as B'jnktl's voice began to falter from the enormity of the moment, "This is comparable to the election of Q*bert Johnson, the first president with a ridiculous-name-even-by-galactic-federation-standards name."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Just in Case You Didn't Get It the First Time

"Let me get this straight, Ms. Reid. You are being hunted by a robot that looks and sounds like an Austrian bodybuilder–"

"–From the future," injected Julie.

"Yes, of course. And this robot–"

"–From the future–"

"–was sent back because your son is the future leader of the human resistance. And your son sent back a soldier–"

"–From the future–"

"–to protect you, and ended up being the father of your son, resulting in a time-looping paradox. Is that correct?"

Julie leaned in uncomfortably close, "From the future!" she whispered loudly.

More Breaking News

B'jnktl the news-alien broke into programming, "Joke-candidate Jorgan Skithypot has rocketed ahead in the polls after news of his pick for vice president. We turn now to GNN political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000."

"Skithypot has had a tremendous 30 point jump after naming Babe-mo-Tron™ as his running mate. We polled new Skithypot supporters, and they all said they support Babe-mo-Tron™ because she has 'a great personality,' but when analyzed under a mind-reader-beam they all support her because she is quote: 'a total babe.'"

"Google-Bronx's vice president and Space-Nobel Peace Prize winner Theodore Franton just doesn't seem all that qualified now."

"Very true, B'jnktl."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Lovenstein's Running Mate

"We interrupt Monday Night Space-Ape Fights for this breaking news," B'jnktl the news-alien announced, "Galactic presidential contender Vithor Lovenstein has announced Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 as his running mate. We turn now to political analyst ConventionalThinkingBot5000. It's surprising that Lovenstein chose a non-sentient software program as a vice presidential nominee."

"Not really. Polls showed potential voters saw Lovenstein as less intelligent than his opponents, so the choice of Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 was really a no-brainer."

"Lovenstein's opponents have criticized the pick, though."

"Certainly. President Google-Bronx said Encyclopedia Galactica Version 23.107 may be intelligent, but cannot sympathize with the average voter."

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Conspiracy Nut

The man on the TV keeps saying that it's safe to go outside, but I just can't believe him. His hair is just too good-looking. It could only have been done by alien invaders . . . or ChiComs. Either one is equally as bad, so I'll just stay inside. Obviously, if aliens or Chinese people invaded, they could not get to me at all. I double-locked the front door.

The TV has moved on to a segment about a presidential visit to Africa. Fools. Don't they know that that is a clever clone and/or robot duplicate? Why can nobody see this except me?

The Castle of the Vam-Bot-Pire

Lightning ripped across the sky illuminating the vampire's castle. Outside stood four monster-hunters.

They were a media-savvy group containing the perfect mix of personality types to hopefully pick up a favorable news story or maybe a primetime TV show deal. There was the smart, tough old guy, the hot-head, the comic-relief, and the obligatory girl.

The old man sighed, "This will be a tough fight."

"No problem," said the hot-head, "I'll use my stake!"

"Stakes don't work against robot vampires!"

"A vam-bot-pire!? I didn't think those existed!" whined the obligatory girl.

"I'll wait for you guys out here," said the comic-relief.