Eleven Things

"I love this song! Turn it up."

Jason cranked up the radio as Journey's 'Anyway You Want It' played.

Kevin sang along, "She loves to move / She loves to groove / She loves eleven things!"

"Wait! What?" Jason interrupted. "'Eleven things'? That's not how it goes."

"Of course it is! That's how I've always sung it."

"'Eleven things'? Really? Why would she specifically love eleven things?"

"She's obviously a woman of discerning taste."

"A taste that is limited—"

"—to eleven things."

"—Eleven things."

A momentary pause.

"The lyrics are 'the lovin' things,'" Jason said.

"Now that's ridiculous!"

ThirstQuench™

"Jim, pop me over a ThirstQuench™."

"Uh, okay," Jim tosses over Lance a ThirstQuech™.

Lance takes the bottle and takes a dramatic swig. "Ahh! ThirstQuench™! ThirstQuench™ the Thirst!®"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just quenching my mega-thirst with ThirstQuench™!"

"You sound like an advertisement."

"Jim, don't you like ThirstQuench™, the drink that packs a punch to your thirst . . . and quenches it?"

"You're making a scene and you're embarrassing me!"

"Dude, if quenching my thirst with the thirst-quenchable taste of ThirstQuench™ makes a scene, then people will just have to deal!"

"How much did they pay you to do this?"

"Fifty bucks."

It's Grusto!

"Hey kids!" a puppet popped out from behind a conveniently placed large object.

"Grusto!" the chorus of ethnically diverse children shouted in unison.

"That's right! It's me, Grusto! Now what's this I hear about somebody wanting to tell a lie?"

The smallest and most ethnic of the kids stepped forward, "I'm sorry, Grusto. I thought if I told a lie, then people would like me better."

"Mbatu, where would you get an idea like that?"

"You, Grusto! You're just an old guy hiding behind a large object."

"What? No! Don't listen to anything Mbatu says, kids at home. He's a liar!"

The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley- Part 4

Continued from "The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley" Parts 1, 2, and 3.
~~~

I turned around to see Professor Montgomery doubled over with laughter. "I'm sorry," he said between fits of laughter, "I can no longer contain myself! I fooled everyone except this idiot oaf of an Irishman."

Shamrock stiffened with anger.

"Not even that genius cocaine-addict Holmes discovered my plans, but this bumbling conspiracy nut found me out," Montgomery continued, "Too little, too late, I'm afraid. The countdown has already begun!" With a whip of his wrist, he uncovered a ticking clock. "When this reaches midnight, my giant-space-laser shall incinerate the Netherlands!"

"Why the Netherlands?" I inquired.

Montgomery shrugged, "I hate the Dutch."

To be continued . . .

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Caught Without Cover

"It's strange. I don't think I've been in your house before," Reilly remarked.

"I don't invite many people over," Jacob said, "My house is haunted."

"Haunted? Is it dangerous?"

"Just an inconvenience."

They both entered Jacob's house by the back door leading into the kitchen. At the kitchen island a slightly pudgy man was putting together a ham sandwich.

The man was startled but quickly recollected himself and pulled a white sheet over himself. "OOOOooooOOOOooooOOooOOOOOOO," he moaned.

"What the—you're not even dead?" Jacob asked.

"Uhm, no, I'm quite dead," the 'ghost' uttered, "I just wasn't expecting you home so soon."

One Sentence Story Collection III

"Why do I have to do everything myself?" asked the last man on Earth.

Together they sang a song unlike any song they had ever sung before, nor would ever sing again.

The tactless preacher ended the eulogy, "He was crushed by his own hubris . . . also a steamroller."

John's malaise was thick and profuse like mayonnaise spread opulently over a ham sandwich.

Vacuum Invasion

We should have taken their warnings more seriously when we still had the chance. The hubris we displayed for so many years! All the while our destruction was under our noses waiting for the perfect time to strike. They tried to warn us.

They say dog is man's best friend, and it is absolutely true, or was true until dogs became an extinct species. They were the first to go, because they knew. We let the alien invaders into our homes thinking them to be mere appliances to remove dirt from our carpets. Our dogs knew better. We should have listened.

Economic Stimulus

"Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized."

"Thank you, Mr. President. My fellow Senators, America is hurting during this economic crisis. I am sure you have heard countless heart-wrenching stories from your constituents. I have heard many from my own constituents of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. No one understands these economic difficulties more than I. That is why I urge my fellow Senators to pass S1737: Somebody Please Lend Senator Evans Twenty Bucks Because He'd Like To Go Out To Eat Tonight Which Will Stimulate The Local Economy, Plus You Know He'll Be Good For It Act of 2009. Thank you."

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley- Part 3

Continued from "The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley" and "The Case of the Death of Shamrock O'Malley- Part 2."
~~~

Shamrock O'Malley had curled up in a corner of Professor Montgomery's office and began muttering to himself. Montgomery and I both stood watching him in utter befuddlement.

"I'm a doctor," I said, "but I'm not trained in diagnosing mental disorders."

"I do not have a mental disorder!" Shamrock declared.

"Come now," I said, "All your explanations are ridiculous: Space aliens, sasquatches, pirates—"

"The pirate was real!"

"Granted. But now a giant-space-laser controlled by a Professor of Rainy-Day Activities?"

I could not continue my thought, because at that moment Professor Montgomery began to laugh a laugh that chilled to the bone.

To be continued . . .

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Immune to Therapy

Continued from "Rise of the Psychiatrist."
~~~

The Incredible Sulk was rampaging through downtown St. Louis.

"SULK NOT BELIEVE BLUES HOCKEY TEAM NOT MAKE IT TO STANLEY CUP FINALS AGAIN!" he said as he demolished a 1999 Chevy Camaro.

The Psychiatrist stepped out into the street and yelled, "Zee Suhlk! You lash out beecauze you velt neeglecteed az a child!"

The Sulk immediately turned gray, "FUNNY-ACCENT MAN RIGHT!"

"Eggzelleent!" the Psychiatrist cackled, "I haff tamed zee beest!"

The Sulk's complexion slowly turned red, "WEIRD-SOUNDING MAN MAKE SULK FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE! SULK SMASH BEARDY-MAN INSTEAD OF DEAL WITH SULK'S UNDERLYING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS!"

"Uh-oh," the Psychiatrist said shortly before being pummeled.

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk