Amelia

"Stop looking to the sky, Amelia. Your head shouldn't be up in the clouds."

"One day I am going to fly," Amelia whispered, but loud enough to be heard.

"Don't be silly," her father said, "It's not in a penguin's nature to fly. We swim."

"But are we not birds?" Amelia quipped back. "It seems that maybe we just don't try hard enough, or we don't dream big enough. Is all life just swimming and eating fish?"

Amelia's father was visibly confused, "What more could there be than swimming and eating fish?"

Amelia sighed, "I will fly one day. You'll see."

Confidence

"I just don't know, Helen. I'm finally going on a date with Rachel, and I'm just a bunch of nerves," Edward said. "Look at my hands. Look at them! They're totally drenched in sweat!"

"Calm down, Ed," said Helen straightening Edward's tie, "and stand still! Everything will be fine."

Edward furiously wiped his hands on his shirt. "I think—I think they're getting sweatier! How is that even possible?"

Helen sighed, "Ed. You are definitely not going to impress her if you keep fretting about this date. Remember that confidence is sexy. Trust me."

"Then I am the UNSEXIEST man alive!"

Happiness

Gerald calmly sipped his rooibos tea and flipped through the Literature section of the newspaper to give the impression that he was cultured. In reality he longed for a root beer float, a copy of The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman, and an mp3 player playing One Night in Bangkok by Murray Head on a continuous loop. It also just so happened that Rusty sat down with just that combination of articles.

"We leave our happiness at the door here," Gerald said pointing to the sign which read: No Happiness Allowed. No Exceptions.

Rusty walked away abject but happy.

Gene

Carol had died the night before. It was expected, but still no easier on Gene.

"Sixty-three years, eight months and thirteen days," Gene said in almost a whisper, "That's how long ago I married that little girl." He kept clasping and unclasping his hands.

"The strangest thing," he continued, "I was in bed this morning. Didn't want to get up. And I heard her like she was standing right there, 'What are you doing, Gene? You can't stay in bed all day!' And she was standing in the doorway. Clear as day. Saw her again in her chair. It was her."

Based on a True Dream I Had

The test came on two sheets. One sheet had the questions followed by a blank to fill in the answer. The other contained the multiple choices for each question.

Josh tried laying each sheet side-by-side, but the miniscule desk proved it impossible. Instead he was forced to flip back-and-forth between sheets.

Several minutes passed before Professor Samura jumped up from his desk, "Sorry everyone. I seem to have given you the wrong answer sheet." He passed out the correct sheet.

Everyone groaned.

Fifteen minutes later Professor Samura jumped up again. "I seem to have also given you the incorrect question sheet."

Repeat the Title Over and Over

"Yes!" Kevin exclaimed as he cranked up the car radio. "I love this song."

"What is it?" asked Brian.

"Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners. You know, I am pretty sure that I do not understand about 93% of what they're singing. I try to sing along, but it just comes out in mumbles."

"You could just sing 'Come on Eileen' over and over, and at least you would be right every once in a while."

"This is true. I still love it though." Kevin sighed. "One day I'm going to google this song and find out what it's about."

Dear Person at the Wal-Mart Parking Lot

Dear person at the Wal-Mart parking lot,

What's your deal?

You stopped in the parking lot lane, and waited for me to load my car before I even reached it.

Didn't you notice five cars behind you waiting to leave? Didn't you notice the parking space about twenty feet further back you could have used instead of waiting on me?

There are always people like you in Wal-Mart parking lots! I can't stand it!

That's why I walked back into Wal-Mart after loading my car. I didn't need anything else. I just didn't want to reward your bad behavior.

Sincerely,
~Eric

Peer Pressure

"Hey, Timmy, let's ramp our skateboards off Dead Man's Bluff!" said Jordan.

"My parents told me not to, but okay."

"Wait, Timmy!" said Grusto the Puppet as he popped up from behind the wall the boys happened to be standing beside. "Just because Jordan wants you to do something doesn't mean you should. That's called 'peer pressure' and you shouldn't give in."

"I shouldn't do things just because someone tells me to?" Timmy pondered the situation. "Then I shouldn't listen to my parents' 'peer pressure' and go with Jordan!"

"Thanks, Grusto!" both boys said in unison then ran off.

"No, wait!"

~~~
More episodes of Grusto the Puppet!

One Sentence Story Collection VIII

The other spacemen didn't let poor Spaceman Ned join in any spaceman games possibly because his oxygen level indicator glowed red.

Pastor Sciutto arrived at the wake dressed as a Ghostbuster, "I ain't afraid of no ghosts!"

A Confederate flag fluttered on top of a dirty beat-up truck that was so old it was probably from the Civil War itself.

I sit beside the mailbox waiting for a reply that I am not sure will ever arrive.

Learning Patience

"Long have the gods looked favorably on our small town of Beginning Area."

"Why are you telling me this?" asked Hero. "Does this have any relevance to the quest?"

"No. This is just scene-setting, or ambiance if you will. It's to give the world a deeper and richer atmosphere," explained NPC. "This isn't just some silly game. This is art!"

"Boring! Do not want! Skip! Skip! Skip! A Button! A Button! A Button!"

"But then— And— All the— Then— We have— Do you want to hear this again? Yes- Press A. No- Press B. Long have the gods looked favorably—"

"Noooooooo!"

The Case of Doctor Walton

Three years had passed since untimely end of my friend Shamrock O'Malley. Even with the passage of time, the void that he left could not be filled.

I had misplaced my favorite bowler, and it occurred to me Shamrock would have implicated elves or mechanical rats powered by steam or some such nonsense. The thought of Shamrock's profound propensity to come up with the most convoluted explanations for the simplest of problems made me smile.

I visited Shamrock's grave that day. Emotions welled up in me and I fell to my knees.

"I say, my dear Walton, what are you doing?"

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O'Malley

Space Health Care

"Lovenstein's health care plan is a sham!" the voluptuous Babe-mo-Tron™ says to a crowd of spacebillies. "He wants Death Panels to determine life-or-death-or-some-state-inbetween-where-you-wish-for-death-but-it-will-never-come decisions instead of who should be making those decisions: the SHMOs!" The clip ends.

B'jnktl the news-alien continues his story, "Later, President Lovenstein had this to say."

"Nowhere will you find the term 'Death Panel.' We're calling for 'Life Panels' to simply determine if you are worthy of life. It's an important difference."

"And more confrontations erupt in Space Station Hall Meetings around federation," B'jnktl sets up the next clip.

"I was told to yell so I am!"

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

Return to a Non-Awesome Timeline!?

Professor Brainly unveiled his latest invention, "With this we can pinpoint the divergence of timeline you created and return to our own time."

Carl Awesome tried desperately to wrap his mind around the concept.

"You just need to think fourth dimensionally!" Brainly exclaimed.

"So you're saying that we'd no longer be in a post-apocalyptic future where there are somehow dinosaurs along with modern stuff for me to hunt them with? Hence my name, Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter."

"Precisely!"

"I see," said Carl, and then he proceeded to destroy the machine.

"But why, Carl?!" Brainly moaned.

"I'd have to change my name."

~~~
Other Carl Awesome: Dinosaur Hunter stories

Thunder

I am comforted by the thunder. I am calmed by the deafening crash of electrical discharge from above. It reminds me I am not alone. It reminds me I am small.

No matter what I or anyone may do, we cannot change the course of the winds. No matter how powerful we become or how important we think we are, the thunder still echoes Without our consent the march of the thunderhead will go on unimpeded. Till the end of time the lightning will strike of its own accord.

The voice of God reminds us of how small we really are.

Dontchaknow?

"We interrupt Jon and Zxrrgl Plus Eight Billion to bring you breaking news from the ice planet Roasth," B'jnktl the news-alien said, "Space-Governor and former vice presidential candidate Babe-mo-Tron™ has just announced a surprise resignation. We now go live to Roasth where the space-governor has just taken the podium."

"Hey, Roasth. I've decided to step down as space-governor cause bein' a lame space-duck just ain't cute, dontchaknow? Now the Spacestream Media will undoubtedly spin this as me not knowing what with what I'm saying goodbye!"

"Her builders should've installed more RAM while they were buffing out her sensuous curves," B'jnktl remarked.

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

One Sentence Story Collection VII

They were all wearing matching colored jackets like they were all a part of the same dolphin-gang.

"Okay, kids, remember: Don't tell mommy the babysitter is dead."

For what it's worth, the "Compulsory User Slavery Clause" had been in the Online Terms of Service Agreement for two years before anyone actually noticed.

"When I said, 'Give me a hand,' I meant it in every conceivable meaning possible."

Mother died this morning; I found out by e-mail.

If Ever There Was a Perfect Day

If ever there was a perfect day, it was today. If ever there was a perfect moment, it would be this moment right now. This was the epitome of what life had to offer, and he realized it. He paid special attention to every detail, committed it all to memory so as not to forget.

Now he became frightened. This was the best life had to offer, but it would not last. The rest of his life he would forever be haunted by that one moment. Forever he would spend striving to recapture that moment. This moment. This one perfect moment.

Remember?

A statue of James Chesterfield stands in what used to be the main square of Eastpointe. The hero of the Battle of Cooper's Farm now stands alone among a collection of abandoned and derelict buildings. One of his arms used to point out toward the future which at the time seemed as if it had limitless possibilities. That arm now lies on the ground beside the statue. In red spray paint across the pedestal on which Chesterfield stands someone long ago wrote the word "remember" followed by a question mark. A more recent response in green paint underneath it read, "No."

It's Magic

Sixteen long months of sitting under waterfalls and contemplating existence had passed before Yarnus the wizard said, "I have taught you all I can. You must travel to the Lilloran Valley and face what lies there. Then your training will be complete."

"Thank you, Master," said Gilder.

"Take this magical food with you. I have cast a spell on it so that you will recover your strength once you eat it."

"So . . . you cast a spell on food to make it act like food?"

"Also take this magical sword that kills things when you sufficiently cut them with the sharp end."

Smell of Failure

Gordon took in a deep breath and then shook his head as he let out a sigh, "I smell failure."

Isaac thought a moment, "What is failure supposed to smell like?"

"You know that first thing you smell in the morning? That smell that sticks around with you all day, and is the last thing you smell before you fall unconscious asleep? That smell is failure."

"Are you saying I'm a failure? That's a mean thing to say."

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I apologize!" Gordon said. "You've probably gotten so used to it by now that you don't smell it anymore."

Demonic Dealings

A stiff breeze blew up the hillside and chilled Forrest to the bone. A cold front was moving in, and he could see the massive thunderhead as it slowly approached with echoing thunder announcing its imminent arrival.

"Hello, again, Forrest," the demon spoke in the cool reserved tone in which he always spoke, "Have you considered my offer?"

Forrest sighed and looked over his shoulder back toward his home, "My family will be safe, right?"

"Oh, yes, safe indeed."

"And this won't be traced back to me?"

"Never in a million years. Do we have a deal?"

Reluctantly Forrest nodded, "Deal."

Childhood Memories

"Do you remember when we were kids walking down these school halls?" she asked.

"I remember because I attended here," he said, "You never did."

She continued her thought nonetheless, "Do you remember how the polished linoleum reflected the incandescent lights making the hallway look like a painted roadway? Or do you remember longing for the recess bell to ring giving you those glorious few moments of play away from study?"

"Yes, but, you weren't there."

"I can see your memories reflected in your eyes. The way you're looking at everything, it's like you're back there again, and I'm with you."

One Sentence Story Collection VI

Paleontologist Richard Goldberg was hardly egotistical; his first major find was named the richardgoldbergisawesomosaurus.

He received a do-you-love-me letter with boxes marked 'yes' and 'no,' but he instead drew a third box and checked it and labeled it 'ewwww.'

She is like a song that gets stuck in your head; the more you try to forget her, the deeper she imbeds herself into your psyche.

"Put away the regular ol' ketchup, Margaret; tonight were breakin' out the 'fancy catsup!'"

Sorry North Dakotans

Paul had only gotten three sentences into his book when the woman sitting next to him began to make chitchat. "Don't you love flying? My name is Julie. I'm from North Dakota. Have you ever been?"

"That is an amazing coincidence," Paul said as convincingly as possible, "I had been considering moving to North Dakota."

"Great place to raise a family," Julie added in.

"Yeah, North Dakota has all the things I'm looking for: Cold weather, very few people. Ultimately I decided on Canada instead. It has those plus the people aren't jerks."

"Why I never!" Julie shouted in alarm.

"Exactly."

Sincere Apologies that Google Brought You Here

The front door shut with a bang. "How was school today, Francine?" her mother called from the kitchen.

Francine half-grunted half-screamed in reply. Then she ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Immediately she logged onto her computer. "You'll know the answers to my problems, Google! You've never let me down before. Well, except for that one time you directed me to that short story blog with awful stories and self-referencing humor. Seriously, who thinks that's funny?"

Trepidatiously, she typed in the words "why do people not notice me i am short?"

The search results appeared.

"Google! Not again!"

Like Zombies Are Totally Whatever

"Did I just hear 'brains' said with an inflection indicating the possibility of cognitive thought!?" George the self-aware zombie began scanning the mass of doddering undead.

"Brains?" one of the zombies said again. Her hair, though blood-soaked, was blonde with blonder highlights. Her clothes disheveled and also blood-soaked were designer by the looks of it. She had the orange hue of spray-on tan.

"Finally, a zombie I can have an actual conversation with!" George declared.

"Brains?" the she-zombie said, and stumbled passed George without even a glance.

Apparently, even when zombies, valley girls still say everything in the form of questions.

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

George Attempts Reason

"Look. All I'm saying is that if the living over in that house are well supplied with ammunition and are easily taking us out, we might as well just go look for an easier target. A defenseless small child, perhaps?" George the self-aware zombie tried to reason with his non-self-aware brethren.

"Braaaaaaaaainssssss," hissed the zombies as they hobbled toward the house in question, getting decimated by heavy gunfire in the process.

"I know they're incredibly tasty, but listen to reason!" George pleaded.

"Braaaainnnnnnnns."

"I'm beginning to think you guys don't have any brains! Fine! Get shot for all I care!"

"Brains?"

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

Neighborly Discussion

Everything had been going right that day as Michael stepped out to check his mail until he heard, "Well, howdy, neighbor!" Michael cringed and looked over to see his next-door neighbor, Wilkins, standing a few feet away.

"Howdy," Michael fake-smiled as he opened his mailbox. Don't make eye contact again or he'll hook you into a thirty minute monologue about his cat, Michael thought to himself. Maybe he'll just leave you alo—

"Checking your mail, huh?" Wilkins stepped closer. "You know Smokey has been giving me trouble—"

"Look at the time! I'm going to miss my dentist appointment on the Moon!" Smooth.

Unsent Letter

To my dear friend,

After all this time that we've been apart, I still think of you daily. Random occurrences keep bringing me back to you. A sound, a sight, a thought will bring your image rushing back to my mind.

I saw you yesterday in the face of a stranger. My mind was fully convinced it was you. I longed to run over and hug you. Say all the things that have been left unsaid. Say all the things I've wished I could.

Yet it was not you. Often I pray that someday it will be you.

Until that day . . .

Vision at the Willow Grove

The witch studied Kannir's face a moment. "You had your vision at the willow grove?"

Kannir nodded timidly.

"Well, what did you see?"

"I saw a woman. She wore a gown that flowed about her like ocean waves crashing upon the shore. She had eyes as deep and as blue as the sky. Her hair burned red like the setting sun. She placed her hand over my heart. The grove and everything around me faded from view, until all that existed was we two. 'Follow me,' she whispered, and the vision ended."

The witch shook her head, "This is not good."

Ocean Dangers

"Hey, Jamie! Are you excited about going to the ocean? We're going to have a ton of fun!" Dad was doing his paltry overly-exaggerated enthusiasm gimmick to prod me into capitulating. It wasn't going to work.

"There are all sorts of dangers associated with the ocean, Dad. Riptides, jellyfish, razor-sharp coral, UVA rays, sharks, just to name a few."

"Oh, come on," Dad waved his hand as if these potential death-traps meant nothing, "I actually just read this article on CNN.com titled 'Why Sharks Probably Won't Eat You.'"

I rolled my eyes, "I'm so relieved! A shark probably won't eat me."